Estimated reading time: 4 minutes

Source: Spineless Nikki Haley Claims Trump Pardon Would ‘Be Healing For The Country’

The Details

Oh, we’re really in for a treat now. Nikki Haley, the beacon of moral fortitude that she is, has just gone all ‘healer-in-chief’ on us. Because who needs accountability when you can have a pardon that’s as therapeutic as a spa day for the country? According to her, pardoning Trump is akin to a scented candle that will just waft away the stench of political corruption.

Nikki, in what can only be called a masterstroke of political acupuncture, believes that a Trump pardon will just magically relieve all those nasty pressure points that have been building up in the ol’ U.S. of A’s body politic. It’s like she’s suggesting a collective presidential misconduct Massage Envy membership for America. And you thought spinelessness was a disorder – turns out, it’s a policy position!

The Breakdown

• Bullet One: Pardon as the New Pepto-Bismol
  So according to Nikki, a pardon is this generation’s quick fix to indigestion caused by consuming too much political drama. Side effects may include historical amnesia and chronic accountability-deficiency.
• Bullet Two: Forget Slap on the Wrist, How About a Pat on the Back?
  You might think that inciting an insurrection would earn you a slap on the wrist at least, but no. Nikki wants to upgrade that to a full-blown celebratory pat on the back because who doesn’t love rewarding a tantrum?
• Bullet Three: Who Needs Elections When You Have Magic Tricks?
  Forget the ballot box, folks. The real path to healing is a nice, glittery magic trick where consequences disappear faster than your civil liberties at a NSA birthday party.
• Bullet Four: The New American Dream: Commit Crimes, Get Pardons, Write Books
  Move over, white picket fences. The new American dream is scandal, pardon, book deal. It’s like Spider-Man, but instead of with great power comes great responsibility, it’s with great power comes great…well, nothing. No responsibility required.
• Bullet Five: Rebranding the GOP as the Grand Ostrich Party
  What’s the best way to deal with issues? According to Nikki’s playbook, just stick your head in the sand, folks. If you don’t see the insurrection, it didn’t happen. It’s the Ostrich method—patent pending.

The Counter

• Counter One: Because Rewarding Bad Behavior Always Works With Toddlers, Right?
  It’s universally known that if you give in to a toddler’s hissy fit, they become paragons of virtue and maturity. So, obviously, it’ll work wonders on former Presidents too!
• Counter Two: Who Said Time Travel Isn’t Possible?
  Here’s a plan: Let’s pardon our way back to 1776 because, clearly, all that progress was overrated. Maybe if we pardon enough, we can hit rewind on the whole democracy thing.
• Counter Three: Actions Speak Louder Than…Oh, Never Mind
  Some say actions speak louder than words, but Nikki’s on to the next level strat – just mute the actions with a pardon-shaped remote.
• Counter Four: Because Rewriting History Is Easier Than Making It
  Remember, if you can’t be a part of history, just pardon your way into a rewrite. Turns out, the pen—and the pardon—are mightier than the sword or, you know, the law.
• Counter Five: Let’s Make America Great at Amnesia Again!
  Haley’s onto something revolutionary: use pardons as a time machine. We could be great at forgetting. Forget the Civil War, Watergate, that regrettable haircut from ’03—gone in the blink of a pardon.

The Hot Take

Well gosh darnit, folks, it looks like we’ve been approaching this all wrong. Instead of little things like ‘justice’ and ‘accountability,’ we should have been having pardon parties! It’s genius. Wash away your sins with a pardon—it’s like political baptism for the morally bankrupt.

Want to heal the nation? Start focusing on actual healing. On truth, reconciliation, and maybe just a dash of remembering what the heck happened. And how about we stop confusing ‘healing’ with ‘covering up’ as if the nation’s wounds are nothing a little concealer can’t fix?

But what do I know? I’m just over here wildly suggesting that maybe, just maybe, actions should have consequences. That leaders should be held to the same standards as everyone else. And that maybe, just maybe, healing starts with not repeating the same darn mistakes.

Crazy, right? Laughter might be the best medicine, but it turns out satire could just be the best band-aid for the kind of ludicrous we’ve been seeing.