Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
Source: US historians sign brief to support Colorado’s removal of Trump from ballot
The Details
In the grand old circus of American politics, where the elephants have been tap-dancing more than usual, the latest act feels like it came straight out of the satirical paperbacks of the Cold War era.
Apparently, some of our fine historians, you know, those folks who actually take the time to read about what happened before Fortnite, have signed on the dotted line, convinced that the best way to teach a former White House ringmaster a history lesson is to give him a taste of erasure from the upcoming electoral extravaganza in Colorado.
The wizards of smart in the law degree hats seem to think plucking a name off the ballot is like pulling a rabbit out of the hat – presto! Problem solved, democracy saved, and the credits roll while the Star-Spangled Banner plays. Oh, say can you see the irony?
The Breakdown
- Historians Using Their Library Cards for Illusions of Grandeur
It turns out that the Dewey Decimal System must have a new classification for “Political Exorcism.” These historians sure flipped through some archives to conjure the verdict that one Donald J. could be the one man too historical to make history again. Bravo for bookish bravado! - Democracy’s New Clothes, Spoiler: They’re Invisible
Is it just me or does removing options on a ballot seem like a toddler’s tactic of closing their eyes thinking you’ve disappeared? “If I can’t see it, it’s not there!” That’s some next-level democratic transparency—literally, because you can see right through it. - A Footnote Fetish That Could Foot the Bill for Future Fiascos
The footnote-fanatics must be salivating at the thought of their opinions being sidebars in textbooks. “Remember that footnote where they banned a president from the ballot? Classic!” Yet this could open the vault to all sorts of ballot buffoonery. Who’s next? Santa? Because, boy, does he not embody Colorado’s electoral ethos… - The Founding Fathers Are Doing The Macarena in Their Graves
Imagine the bewilderment on Washington’s face if he could eye-spy on this spiffy precedent. “You can do what now?” Jefferson’s in his crypt crafting rebellious Tweets as we speak. Hamilton? Well, he’s just stoked to be in the room where it happens…again. - Historical Amnesia Seems Catchier Than the Common Cold
The ghost of elections past hovers with a sly grin. If history’s taught us anything, it’s that forgetting the past may lead to not having a future—or at least a future with fewer choices on your Scantron sheet. No wonder those SATs felt dictatorial.
The Counter
- Erase a Name, Make a Statement: Out of Sight, Out of Mind
There’s an old adage, “If a tree falls in the forest and no one’s around, does it make a sound?” In our revision, it’s “If a name’s not on the ballot, does it make a president?” Deep, huh? Tree-huggers and conspiracy theorists, unite! - Reform Via Time Machine: Marty McFly for President!
Since the historians are in charge now, can we just elect someone from a time when the biggest scandal was whether to wear a wig or not? Marty, get the DeLorean, we need to fix 2024. - Multiple Choice, Singular Outcome: Embracing the Illusion of Variety
Variety might be the spice of life, but who wants a spicy electorate? Keep things bland, unseasoned, and devoid of options. It’s the porridge of democracy – too hot, too cold, or just without Trump. - Next Up: Voter’s Veto!
Why stop at candidates? Let’s get proactive and start vetoing votes we don’t like. Your neighbor’s lawn sign irks you? Poof, their vote’s gone! It’s the neighborly thing to do. - A Different Kind of Poll Dancing
Who knew that playing with ballots could be such an agile act? It’s like watching a trapeze artist swing from one politically correct ring to the next, all without a safety net or a sense of irony.
The Hot Take
Ladies and gentlemen, and those tired of the gender binary of political commentary, we find ourselves at a democratic crossroads, or maybe it’s a roundabout, because it sure feels like we’re going in circles. Want to fix the American electoral conundrum? Simple.
Let’s just replace elections with reality TV show finales. This way, we keep the drama, the entertainment, and let’s face it, the genuine democratic process we’ve all come to know and meme. Forget Super Tuesday; we’re talking Super Season Finale. Ratings will sky-rocket, tweets will fly, and the best part? No need for historians to get all riled up. When in doubt, laugh it out, vote it out, or just change the channel.
