Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
The Details
In a world where facts sometimes stretch thinner than a cheap pair of leggings, West Virginia is vying for the title of “Most Creative Use of Legal Power” by weaponizing the sheer terror of audacious literature. Yes, you’ve read that correctly. There’s a legislative storm brewing in the Mountain State that might soon allow the government to crochet handcuffs specifically sized for librarians. The new bill, which will almost certainly catapult West Virginian librarians to the top of the FBI’s most-wanted list, seeks to make them criminally liable if they dare put a book on the shelf that someone deems inappropriate. Move over, Al Capone; there’s a new Public Enemy Number One, and she’s got a library card.
The Breakdown
- Forget Drugs, Books Are the New High
- Who knew that To Kill a Mockingbird could be as dangerous as moonshine? Clearly, West Virginia legislators are aiming to be pioneers in the war on terror that is Young Adult fiction. To sleep soundly, knowing our youth aren’t getting high on Harper Lee.
- The No-Child-Left-Without-Censorship Act
- In a move to protect the fragile minds of the young, the bill effectively suggests that not all reading is fundamental. Can’t handle a little dystopian reality? No problem! Slap a misdemeanor charge on that librarian and call it a day.
- Librarian: The New Action Hero
- Librarians used to worry about late fees, but now they’re to be potentially thrown into the gladiator pit for letting “Where’s Waldo?” wander into the erotica section. Talk about an occupational hazard.
- Peak Enlightenment: Judge, Jury, and Literacy Executioner
- This groundbreaking initiative empowers the average Joe to skip over logic and go straight to litigation when they encounter a book that ruffles their pages. The power of attorney meets the power of the Dewey Decimal System.
- The Scarlet Letter, but Literally
- The bill paves the way for a modern-day Puritanical witch hunt. Does your local librarian sport an ‘A’ for ‘advocate of free speech’? Not anymore. Under this bill, that ‘A’ stands for accomplice—in the first-degree murder of innocence, naturally.
The Counter
- Book Lovers, Mount Up
- As devout believers in every child’s right to a Paddington Bear-free utopia, why not extend those protective instincts and bubble wrap the entirety of American literature? Pretty soon, we’ll just replace books with state-approved pamphlets titled “Everything’s Fine.”
- The Battle of Books: The Few. The Proud. The Censored.
- Should we implement a draft for librarians? A sort of special forces unit trained to dive for cover when a pop-up book gets too real? Imagine the obstacle courses—dodging critiques, weaving through banned book lists, tiptoeing past the romance aisle.
- A Farewell to Arms, and a Hello to Gavels
- Welcome to the judicial library, where you can check out a lawsuit along with your latest John Grisham novel. It’s a one-stop shop. Convenience is key in the land of the free and the home of legal literacy limits.
- Reading Rainbow: Monochrome Edition
- Won’t it be splendid when all the books are safe, sterile, and sanitized for your protection? We can paint the whole world with one color! Spoiler: it’s beige. The rainbow is too risky—might inspire too much joy, or worse, independent thought.
- The Purge: Library Edition
- Once a year, librarians can fend for themselves as they try to protect their precious “Choose Your Own Adventure” books from the torches of justice. It’s all in the name of fostering a less imaginative future.
The Hot Take
If laughter is the best medicine, then this bill is the medical equivalent of a whoopee cushion. To counteract such a bold march towards what can only be described as intellectual dystopia, might I propose a liberal sprinkling of common sense? Perhaps a dash of faith in our youth and their ability to discern fantasy from reality?
We’re talking about raising a generation that can face the big bad world with a bit more than “See Spot Run” under their belts. It’s time to stand up and applaud the librarians, not prosecute them. They’re the guardians at the gates of imagination, not the villains twirling their mustaches in the shadows of the stacks. If we want to fix this problem, we must rally behind our purveyors of prose, our champions of chapters, and demand that common sense once again shelves itself within the hallowed halls of our legislatures.
Source: West Virginia Advances Bill Allowing Criminal Prosecution of Librarians Over Books
