Equality Takes a Smoke Break in Tennessee: Selective Service Now the New Norm

Estimated reading time: 4 minutes

The Details

In what surely must be the dawn of a new enlightenment period in Tennessee, the local governor has embraced the cutting edge of backward thinking by signing a bill that’s charitably described as a ‘religious liberty’ measure. This legal masterpiece allows public officials to sidestep their job descriptions and refuse to perform same-sex marriages. Groundbreaking, isn’t it? Because why would anyone in a public service position want to serve the public indiscriminately? Naturally, the governor’s office is likely swamped with thank-you cards from all those officials who’ve been lying awake at night, anxious about their right to discriminate being infringed upon.

The Breakdown

• Bless Your Heart, Equality: The bill was signed, sealed, and delivered with love and a cherry on top for those who believe they should have the government-sanctioned right to side-eye a fundamental human right – the quaint little act of marrying who you love.
  • Specifics: We’re talking about state officials here, people who are employed by tax dollars – taxes which, mind you, are also paid by the very same individuals they’re now allowed to turn away. A magnificent display of selective service if there ever was one.
• Religious Liberty or Just Liberty to Discriminate? It’s like a choose-your-own-adventure book where all paths lead to the same wonderful place: “I don’t want to do this because it makes me uncomfortable based on my personal beliefs, but you still have to pay me.”
  • Specifics: Apparently, ensuring officials don’t have to do portions of their job extends beyond the line of religious liberty and into the luxurious realm of, “I pick and I choose based on my mood ring’s color today.”
• Equal Rights Take a Hike: Rights for thee but not for all; it seems the Bill of Rights got a little rewrite. It’s now a bill of Might-as-well-not-bother-if-you-don’t-fit-the-heteronormative narrative.
  • Specifics: The equal protection under the law got a new asterisk next to it. Evidently, some equality is more equal than others.
• State-Sponsored ‘No Homo’ Law: The momentous step taken to ensure that officials are not forced to actively acknowledge that same-sex couples exist – because invisibility cloaks are still in short supply.
  • Specifics: If a same-sex couple wanders into a government office looking to get hitched, it seems the plan is to play hot potato with them until they find someone whose religious beliefs didn’t come with a selective application manual.
• ‘Love is Patient, Love is Kind, but Your Love? Nah, Get in Line’: Translation of the latest scripture according to the Church of Legislative Convenience.
  • Specifics: This bill practically redefines ‘patience’ for those in the LGBTQ+ community: patience while you’re being discriminated against, patience while your tax dollars fund that discrimination, and patience while waiting for someone, anyone, to acknowledge your basic human dignity.

The Counter

• Your Job is So Hard: Please, take a moment of silence for the profoundly difficult task of treating all citizens with respect and providing the services you’re literally paid to provide. It’s heroic, truly.
• The Freedom to Choose Freedom for Just a Few: In a surprising twist, “freedom for all” apparently comes with a pretty hefty asterisk. ‘*Terms and conditions apply. Not available in all states.’
• Religious Liberty Roulette: Take a spin and see where your rights land today! Don’t worry, it’s just your entire life affected by the whims of Jim Bob’s interpretation of ancient texts.
• Equality, Schmequality: Now, now, we wouldn’t want pesky principles like equality to get in the way of good old-fashioned selective moral outrage, would we?
• Hetero-Ticket to Ride: All aboard the straight-train, with exclusive rights and privileges! LGBTQ+ individuals, your tickets are, mmm, still being printed. Indefinitely.

The Hot Take

In the spirit of fixing the unprecedented spectacle of legislative innovation that Tennessee has unleashed upon us, I humbly propose a radical solution: Let’s stick to the wacky concept that a public official’s job is to, oh, I don’t know, serve the public? And while we’re at it, let’s introduce some real liberty into the mix—liberty that doesn’t require someone’s rights to be squashed for another person to feel comfortable at work.

We’ll call it the “Do Your Job Act.” Under this act, public servants will continue serving the public—as in all the public, even the ones who love differently than some might prefer. To ease the transition, we could provide fainting couches for those officials overwhelmed by the burden of basic human fairness. Perhaps then, our headlines can focus on real issues—like why we still don’t have self-tying shoelaces in the year 2024.

Source: Tennessee governor signs bill allowing public officials to refuse to perform same-sex marriages