Estimated reading time: 3 minutes
The Details
Yale University, the bastion of all that is elite and scholarly, has decided to go retro. Yes, in a world where cars are starting to drive themselves and phones have more computing power than the spaceship that first landed on the moon, Yale has looked back in the annals of time and thought, “Hey, why fix something that’s only broken for some people?” The Ivy League powerhouse has decided to resuscitate the standardized testing requirement for admissions. Because nothing screams ‘innovation’ quite like reverting to the tried and true method of judging teenagers based on how well they can fill in bubbles under time pressure.
The Breakdown
- Remember Books? Yale Does.
Oh, the glory days of hitting the books until your eyes bleed just for the chance to prove your worth on a scantron. Yale’s keen to bring back that all-nighter charm and pencil-sharpening nostalgia. Because, in the end, nothing says you’re ready for college like a smattering of number 2 pencil marks. - Equality, Schmequality.
Standardized tests: because what better way is there to maintain the status quo? Yale’s ensuring a level playing field – as long as that field is a steep incline for anyone not equipped with private tutors and a cornucopia of prep books. - Vintage Stress.
Mental health is trendy now, but Yale’s kickin’ it old school. Stress, anxiety, the crushing weight of academic expectations – they’re not flaws of the standardized test system, they’re features! - Numbers Never Lie.
Especially when they define your entire future. Your SAT or ACT score is your new name. Forget letters of recommendation and extracurricular activities; if your score doesn’t scream genius, you’re just another John Doe. - Digital Age? What’s That?
While the rest of the world moves to digital and tries to account for a variety of skillsets, Yale holds up the No. 2 pencil like a torch. Innovation? Who needs it when you’ve got good old-fashioned bubbles and blanks.
The Counter
- Lead Paint is Also Vintage.
Sure, we’ve got things like ‘progress’ and ‘advancements in education’, but when has that ever stopped us from cherishing what’s blatantly outdated? Bring back the rotary phones too, while we’re at it. - Who Even Needs Diversity?
So what if standardized tests have systemic biases? Everyone’s welcome at Yale – as long as they fit the mold. A little homogeneity never hurt anybody, right? - Suffering Builds Character.
Ask any successful person, and they’ll tell you that true character is built on an unstable foundation of adolescent trauma and stress-related acne. Yale’s just doing their part to keep the tradition alive. - One Number to Rule Them All.
Who has time to look at a whole person when you can just look at a single number? It’s so efficient, it’s like judging a book by its barcode. - Reject Modernity, Embrace Tradition.
Yale’s onto something. In a fast-paced world, we need anchors to the past like standardized tests to remind us of simpler, more standardized times. The wheel? Fire? Who needs ’em.
The Hot Take
In the fiery pits of a liberal’s heart burns the radical idea that maybe, just maybe, students are more than their ability to take standardized tests. I propose a zany concept: let’s fix the problem by actually acknowledging the complexities of human potential. Instead of spending countless hours preparing students to pick the best multiple-choice answer, how about we teach them something revolutionary – like critical thinking or empathy? But then again, who wants well-rounded, thoughtful citizens when you can have excellent bubble-fillers? Yale, give me hope, not No.2 pencils.
