Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
The Details
So, let me get this straight, as I dig into this latest circus of environmental activism. Insurance companies, those pillars of trust and virtue (oh, please), are now the target of activists with an overzealous affection for trees and, well, breathing. Apparently, the idea is that by insuring oil and gas projects, these insurance magnates are about as eco-friendly as a coal-fired BBQ at an asthmatics’ convention. The depths of this are as profound as my surprise at discovering that politicians lie – which is to say, not very.
The Breakdown
- If It’s Insurable, It’s Morally Indisputable!
These insurance giants are working under the infallible logic that if you can slap a premium on it, it must be good for humanity, right? Be it cars, homes, or the imminent collapse of the planet – if there’s money to be made, ethics have a mysterious way of becoming… flexible. - If The Polar Ice Caps Can’t Take The Heat, Get Out of The Freezer
The ice caps are melting faster than your resolve to diet on New Year’s Day. But hey, those polar bears look kinda cute when they’re swimming, don’t they? It’s like watching chubby toddlers in floaties, except, you know, with the imminent threat of extinction. - Money Talks, Penguins Walk…Or Swim, Or Whatever They Need to Do Now
As long as the oil checks clear, everyone’s happy, right? Just ignore the slight inconvenience of rising sea levels. I’m sure coastal dwellers always wanted waterfront properties anyway. Beachfront view? Thanks, climate change! - Extinction is the New Black
Who needs biodiversity anyway? If the insurance companies keep funding these fossil fuels, we’re liable to see more endangered species than at a vinyl record store. Plus, exclusive membership to the ‘Endangered Species Club’ comes with bragging rights. Too bad no one will be around to brag. - What We Don’t Know Can’t Hurt Us – Ignorance Is Insurance
Finally, why worry about the future when it’s so darn far away? And those pesky activists – talking about the planet like we actually have to live here. Psh, with any luck, Elon Musk will have us sipping mojitos on Mars before things really go south.
The Counter
- The More Money We Have, The More Trees We Can Plant from Space
Those insurance folks are just stacking cash so they can shoot money canisters into space, which will undoubtedly rain down a forest on Earth. I mean, that’s how it works, right? Let’s throw some science fiction into our environmental policy. - Heatwaves are Just Mother Nature’s Hugs
Think of it this way: global warming is just a reminder from Mother Earth that she loves us, and she loves us so much that she wants us to feel warm all the time. It’s a global group hug! Sure, sweat more, but feel the love, people. - Swim or Sink – Darwin Loves A Challenge
Life’s all about survival of the fittest, and what better way to test our mettle than by adapting to a new Waterworld? Start growing gills, folks – Kevin Costner made it look easy. - We’ll Just Evolve Into Oil-Resistant Superhumans
With enough exposure to oil spills and pollution, the human race is bound to evolve. We’re probably just a few mutations away from being totally oil-resistant, right? Think of the superhero possibilities! - Forget Preserving the Earth, Let’s Just Download It
Let’s not get bogged down by the physical world. We’re this close to just downloading our consciousness into a server. Who needs oceans when you’ve got virtual reality? Say goodbye to natural disasters and hello to server crashes!
The Hot Take
In closing, if you want my scalding liberal latte of a solution – it starts with the outlandish idea of holding everyone accountable. Let’s make capes out of these insurance policies and pretend they’re superhero costumes. Because, folks, we’re going to need superhuman audacity to demand that protecting the Earth is more profitable than plundering it.
And for the love of compost, can we please start treating those ‘Stop Insuring Dirty Fossil Fuels’ signs like they’re the winning lottery tickets for our future? It’s time we quit the smoke-and-mirrors act with our planet – literally – and start cleaning up this mess with the ferocity of a suburban mom after a glitter bomb explosion.
Source: Activists to Insurance Giants: ‘End Your Support for Oil and Gas Now’
