Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
The Details
In the latest twist of our ever-entertaining political drama, the former President Trump has turned his unyielding gaze upon the world of glitz and glamour, specifically targeting the man at the helm of Oscar night 2024—Jimmy Kimmel. Kimmel, apparently, has seen better days in Trump’s eyes, who has unceremoniously crowned him as the “Worse [sic] Host ever” of the Academy Awards. As far as Trump is concerned, Kimmel is a veritable dried-up relic of comedic prowess who should be axed from the Oscars like a contestant on a particularly brutal episode of The Apprentice.
The Breakdown
- The Has-Been Host Hullabaloo: Trump insists we ought to give Jimmy Kimmel the old heave-ho. Is this supposed to be a performance review or a tweet review? Details are fuzzy, but the intent is clear: no gold statuette for hosting from Trump.
- Cast the First Stone Ratings: Ratings, the favorite numbers game after polls. The implication? Kimmel couldn’t keep an audience captivated if he was handing out free money during the commercial breaks. Have the ratings stumbled, or has someone’s ego tripped? The scrutiny intensifies.
- Comedian to Politician Pipeline: Here we have Trump, apparently pitching for a sideline as a showbiz critic. Maybe next, he’ll be seen wielding a scorecard at stand-up venues or barraging SNL with unsolicited advice—because, surely, running a country and running a commentary are the same thing.
- Late-Night Ghosts of Tweets Past: Kimmel has been lambasting and roasting the former President for years. So, are we really talking about hosting prowess, or is it the ghost of punchlines past that’s haunting Trump? Somewhere between the jokes, you can hear the faint sound of score settling.
- The Great Oscar Overhaul: Perhaps Trump fancies himself the savior of the Oscars. With all his expertise on host selection, he’s just the man to usher in a new, dignified era of award ceremonies without any ego flares or Twitter battles. Oh, wait…
The Counter
- Make Oscars Great Again: First up, instate a no-humor policy. Because laughter is the sound of failing ratings, right? Surely, a solemn procession of awards handed out by robots would boost those numbers in no time.
- Red Caps on the Red Carpet: How about a fashion statement merge—MAGA hats with haute couture? Throw in some patriotic fervor, and watch those Hollywood liberal elites squirm in their designer seats.
- Best Host Ever—According to Trump: Would the real star, a Trump proxy, bring the house down with self-promotion and infomercials for steaks and wine? Because nothing says Academy Awards like a serving of Trump Ice spring water.
- Executive Order Entertainment: Just when you thought the White House couldn’t dictate show business, imagine executive orders rolling out for every aspect of the ceremonies. Say goodbye to creative freedom and hello to governmental gala guidance.
- Bring on the Apprentice Alumni: As replacements, we suggest a full line-up of The Apprentice alumni. Perhaps the boardroom dramatics might inject a fresh dose of unpredictability to the event. Or at the very least, remind everyone of reality TV’s golden age.
The Hot Take
Now, here’s a hot piece of advice from our spicy liberal kitchen: maybe, just maybe, we should consider letting the Oscars be about cinematic achievement rather than political vendettas. Let comedians prick balloons of pomposity—all in good fun, of course. Kimmel?
Washed up or not, at least the man knows how to throw a punch(line). In the end, why fixate on a piece of the entertainment industry when there are, I don’t know, countries to run? Remember, humor is the spice of life, and without it, we’re just munching on the bland crackers of existence.
