Estimated reading time: 3 minutes
The Details
Oh, my sweet summer children, gather ’round as I unwrap the apocalypse du jour served up by none other than the Orange One’s attempt to remodel the good ol’ US education system. It’s a hearty stew of regression, nostalgia for the ‘good ole days’ — which, by the way, were only good if you were fond of polio and segregation. The plans are simple: more nationalism, more ‘America is the best’ chants between algebra equations, and an ocean’s worth of whitewash to keep that history as pure as the driven snow. It’s like a rerun of 1930’s Germany, but with more eagles and flags.
The Breakdown
- Leaning into that ‘Great’ness: Because nothing yells progress like sprinting headfirst back into the past. Sure, let’s infuse education with national pride by unnecessarily stoking patriotic fires. Next up, we teach toddlers how to salute before they can walk.
- The History Re-rewrite: I didn’t realize the history books were looking too… truthy. My bad. Who knew facts needed a facelift? If you squint hard enough, those blemishes of slavery and civil rights struggles smooth right out in favor of a glossy, unblemished sheen.
- Science, Shmience: Why bother with hard evidence when feelings taste so much sweeter? Climate change is as easy to ignore as my last Netflix payment. It’s fine, because if we teach it as a ‘theory,’ maybe our coastlines will get the hint and stop rising.
- Literature but Make It Propaganda: Why read ‘To Kill A Mockingbird’ when you can have heartwarming tales of Wall Street heroics and the adventures of pioneer tycoons bulldozing their way to the American Dream without mentioning all the pesky details like exploitation and monopolies?
- Art Class, Sponsored by the State: Forget splattering paint and finding your voice. It’s all about crafting the next great monument to American Exceptionalism using macaroni and glitter. Subtlety is overrated anyway, right? Let’s instead glaze our kids’ creativity with a thick coat of red, white, and blue.
The Counter
- Make Education Opaque Again: Who needs transparency? Shadows are terribly underrated. Let’s slip into ignorance like it’s a warm bath – sure, it’s scalding us, but the bubbles are fun!
- The Joy of Sectarianism: Just sprinkle some division into that class discussion – it brings out the flavor. If kids aren’t picking sides by recess, are they even learning?
- Manufacturing Mini-Me’s: Individualism is tiresome. Why not just churn out little patriots, robotic in their cheers, diverse as a 1950’s TV show audience. Conformity’s got a bad rap, let’s bring it back!
- Intellectual Walled Gardens: We don’t need no stinkin’ variety in our thought diet! Let’s cultivate a good ole monoculture. It’s been super effective for bananas and potatoes, so why not brains?
- Global Perspective is Overrated: Why bother understanding our worldly neighbors when we can live in a splendid, self-crafted bubble? Pass the blinders, please.
The Hot Take
In conclusion, my star-spangled friends, it’s clear: to ‘remedy’ the education system, we need more armchairs and less dissent. After all, if the material is too engaging, students might actually learn something – can’t have that. Let’s swap out those progressive textbooks for patriotic comics. Because nothing spells out future success like a generation raised on a diet of bubble-wrapped history and science fiction. Catch you at the book burning, folks. BYOM – bring your own marshmallows.
Source: ‘Like the Nazis did’: Critic slams Trump plans to remake US education system
