Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
The Details
In an absolutely shocking revelation that has everyone’s jaws on the floor (insert eye-roll here), it turns out that former President Trump was informed that those cherubs gathering at the Stop the Steal rally were carrying prohibited items because, clearly, when you’re out to, um, “peacefully protest,” you never leave home without your zip ties and bear spray. As they assembled with the kind of gear you’d expect in a low-budget action movie, it seems intelligence reached Trump’s desk about this peculiar choice of accessories. But why on Earth would that be concerning?
The Breakdown
- It’s Just Fashion, Right?
Oh, those adorable insurrection fashionistas — apparently, Trump and team took the whole “carrying prohibited items” as nothing more than a bold statement from the Winter Siege Collection. Forbidden perks included everything from firearms to brass knuckles. Guess when you’re storming the seat of democracy, you really want to accessorize appropriately. - Intelligence? More Like Tattletales.
Alerting that there might be a wee bit of a problem seems like a reasonable thing for intelligence to do. But, hey, who wants to ruin the surprise party? It’s just that usually such events don’t involve erecting a gallows on the lawn. A slight overreaction maybe? Nah, just patriots being patriots. - Heavy Metal Concert or Coup?
Pepper spray, fireworks, and climbing gear. At first glance, you might think, “Am I at a very aggressive rock concert?” But no, these were just the party favors at this political rave. One might argue how climbing gear is instrumental to participating in democracy, but hey, it’s more a question of style than substance. - The Officer ‘Greetings’ Committee.
Our law enforcement got the warmest welcome — if your idea of warm is the same level of affection one reserves for an invading army. They were met with open… well, let’s call them ‘arms’, but not the kind you’d like to get acquainted with. More like the kind that signals a uniquely ferocious way to say hello. - Let’s Not Jump to Conclusions.
Trump and his magnanimous crew just couldn’t begin to imagine why these loyal citizens, sporting vests that not-so-subtly concealed who-knows-what, were problematic. It’s not like anyone warned them, except that they did. Maybe it got lost in the mail or submerged in the swamp they were so keen on draining.
The Counter
- Zipped Lips on Zip Ties.
Let’s not be judgmental—maybe those zip ties were for an impromptu art project at the Capitol or maybe some MacGyver-style repair work. It’s not their fault everyone else has such limited imagination. - Bear Spray for the Bear Market.
Wall Street’s just a stone’s throw away, right? Maybe these economical warriors wanted to be prepared for the bear market in person. That’s just being financially savvy…and stinging. - Rally Souvenirs.
Those weren’t weapons, they were souvenirs! Who wouldn’t want a piece of shattered democracy to take home? It’ll be worth something on eBay, in the ‘Historical Relics of the Imminent Apocalypse’ category. - They Misunderstood ‘Concealed Carry’.
When one thinks ‘concealed carry’, one usually refers to firearms. But maybe, just maybe, these creative souls thought it meant concealing literally anything that could carry… um, a punch. - Forward-Thinking Fashionistas.
In their defense, they were likely trendsetters, preemptively dressed for the post-apocalyptic world order. You know, starting the trend before it goes mainstream.
The Hot Take
Well, folks, if this isn’t a lesson in the power of willful ignorance, I don’t know what is. Could we fix it? Sure, by maybe taking intelligence reports a tad more seriously. But why embrace such a radical idea when we can stick to the time-honored tradition of pretending that the elephant in the room is actually just a very large, very patriotic mouse?
Let’s just equip all intelligence operatives with megaphones, so next time they can’t be ignored. And while we’re at it, why not teach a class on recognizing the difference between a tourist and an insurrectionist — call it “Democracy Defense 101.” Last but not least, let’s have a good old-fashioned fashion intervention, because when your outfit screams ‘civil war’, maybe it’s time to reassess your wardrobe choices.
Source: Trump was warned Stop the Steal rally attendees carried prohibited items on Jan. 6: report
