When Florida Almost Put the LGBTQ in NDA: The Gag Law that Gagged

Estimated reading time: 5 minutes

The Details

Have you heard the one about Florida? No, not the Florida Man one, although the narrative remains equally outlandish. So let me take you on a whimsical stroll down the Sunshine State’s memory lane, shall we? In the latest comedic sketch penned by none other than the Florida government itself, they almost succeeded in implementing an “if you don’t talk about it, it doesn’t exist” policy.

It’s about LGBTQ issues and the classroom, and let me tell you, it was like watching a dog chase its own tail—pointless, but you can’t look away. Fortunately, the courts stepped in and effectively told state officials, “Nice try, but no cigar!” I mean, if prohibiting teachers from discussing certain topics was the answer, I’m sure my algebra teacher would’ve appreciated a ‘Don’t Say Trig’ policy. Nonetheless, the state settled faster than a snowbird on the last beach chair.

The Breakdown

1. Say It, Don’t Spray It, Florida!
   • If the mere mention of LGBTQ could turn kids gay, then the word “kale” would’ve turned us all into health nuts overnight. Looks like the state tried to play battleship with social issues, shouting “G4!” hoping they’d hit something controversial—spoiler, they missed.
2. Teachers Got Gagged, Then Ungagged
   • Picture this: a teacher discussing a historical figure, and a student asks, “Was Alexander the Great…you know…great with men?” The teacher, under the state’s gag order, performs interpretative dance as a response. Fret not, though; common sense has prevailed… for now.
3. What’s Next on the Blocklist? Gravity?
   • When you live where the ocean’s your backyard, understanding concepts like gravity could really help when pondering why you don’t float off into space during a beach day. But why stop at LGBTQ? Let’s not say gravity, let’s float our ignorance blissfully into the stratosphere.
4. First Amendment? Never Heard of Her
   • Turns out the Constitution must’ve been in the fine print, because Florida seemed to have missed the whole “freedom of speech” thing. They were attempting to amend the Bill of Rights with a ‘Don’t Say’ sticker, but luckily, the courts peeled that off really quickly.
5. Hide and Seek: Florida Edition
   • This whole debacle felt like a game of hide and seek, where instead of hiding behind trees, students were encouraged to hide behind an outdated moral curtain. “Ready or not, here comes progress!” But don’t worry, the state’s ‘Not It!’ declaration got tagged by reality.

The Counter

1. Protecting Innocence or Ignorance?
   • Ah, the old ‘innocence of youth’ argument, where you protect kids by shielding them from reality. Because nothing spells childhood like being unprepared for the world. Next up: Don’t say “job market” lest they become employed.
2. Don’t Say Flamboyant, Do Say Florid
   • Florid as in flashy, extravagant, definitely not related to a certain peninsula we know. It’s not the words that matter, right? It’s the avoidance that counts. Like avoiding potholes on I-95 by closing your eyes and hoping for the best.
3. Subject-Verb Agreement: Don’t Agree with the Subject
   • In Florida’s education fantasy, verbs are just itching to agree with the most politically convenient subject. It’s grammar meets government, a match made in bureaucratic heaven. Why learn about subjects when you can just ignore them?
4. Historical Inaccuracy is So In Right Now
   • Who needs the facts? This is where alternative history comes into play—like thinking the Earth is flat because no one told you otherwise. Let’s make education a guessing game! Is Napoleon a type of dessert? Stay tuned.
5. Nothing to See Here, Folks
   • Remember, if we don’t talk about issues, they simply vanish. Poof! Like that left sock that mysteriously disappears from the dryer. There’s no problem if you can’t see it, right? Ah, the magic of selective education.

The Hot Take

So after dissecting the masterful attempt at creating the educational equivalent of a silent film, here’s my red-hot, mic-drop solution: Let’s talk about it. Crazy, I know, putting your cards on the table and using words to educate. Knowledge is power, and power means not fearing a topic because it ruffles some feathers—or sequins, for that matter. Take the tape off teachers’ mouths and let them do what they do best: teach. Let’s bring out the facts, the experiences, the histories, and the human stories.

We can’t fix what we refuse to face, people! And for goodness’ sake, let’s stop legislating like we’re choosing topics for a game of Taboo. When the world’s changing faster than a chameleon on a disco ball, clinging to ignorance is like bringing a flip phone to a drone fight. Open the books, broaden the minds, because when we know better, we do better. And then maybe, just maybe, Florida will make headlines for something other than gators on golf courses.

Source: Florida cannot ban teachers from talking about LGBTQ issues in class