Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
Oh boy, do we have a show for you today! As if the world of politics wasn’t already resembling the most absurd soap opera that not even daytime TV would touch, the former president and mogul of madness, old Donald J., is putting on a new performance at his latest gig – the hush money trial.
Be there or be square, because who would want to miss his latest rant about ‘Presidential Immunity’? Disclaimer: no actual immunity was harmed in the making of this rant. Read on if you want to dive deep into the Trumpian lexicon of legal fantasies.
The Breakdown
- “Make Checks Great Again”
Cunning businessman or a walking Monopoly man, you decide. At the epicenter of this trial is the ever so discreet, ‘subtle as a sledgehammer’ payment to Stormy Daniels, a performance fee one might say, in the art of making problems disappear—poof!—just like that. But hey, who am I to judge the artistry behind a well-written check with more hush than a library during finals?
- “The Art of the Squeal”
When faced with allegations, some might turn to denial, others to confession, but Trump? He turns to his own bestselling book sequel – “The Art of the Squeal.” The man’s allergic to convictions, claiming immunity with the finesse of a bull in a china shop. Presidential immunity? If that’s in the Constitution, it’s hiding better than Waldo in a candy cane factory.
- “Oaths, Schmoaths”
Campaign finance laws took a backseat the moment Mr. Trump yelled, “I do solemnly swear to …” Oh, who am I kidding? Swear to what? Transparency? Accountability? Adherence to tradition? The only tradition he’s fully embraced is making ex-lawyers as popular as a vegan at a Texas BBQ.
- “Lawyer Up, Buttercup!”
Speaking of lawyers, it’s Michael Cohen’s time to shine again. If this trial was a horse race, Cohen and Trump would be the two old nags at the back, bickering about who cheated more. But hey, all’s fair in love and presidential races, right? Just maybe not in a court of law.
- “Privilege: Not Just For Parking Anymore”
The word ‘privilege’ really gets a workout in Trump’s vocabulary, almost as much as “tremendous” and “bigly.” Presidential privilege, executive privilege, patty cake, patty cake, baker’s … law? Sure, let’s throw it all in when discussing why the rules may not apply to you or your checkbook.
The Counter
- “Fair and Balanced, like a One-Wheel Unicycle”
Sure, everyone deserves a fair shot in court, even those with more baggage than the lost and found at JFK. But let’s remember that balance is key, and if Trump’s ideas of legal balance were a seesaw, well, it’d be scraping the sky.
- “He’s a Lover, Not a Fighter”
It’s just President Cupid spreading love and checks. Who needs to fight allegations when you can just throw money at them? Romantic, isn’t it? If you’re into that sort of thing: silence, secrets, and the Swiftian satirical notion that love (money) conquers all.
- “It’s Not a Lie If You Believe It”
George Costanza’s words never rang truer. If Trump believes it, does it become presidential truth? An immunity bubble, perhaps? Sadly, the bubble seems impenetrable by mere facts or federal prosecutors.
- “Talk to the Hand (the One Writing Checks)”
Communication is hard when you’re always speaking through a checkbook. “Talk? No, thank you. My handwriting will convey everything I feel.” It’s poetry, really—a haiku of Hamiltons.
- “Judge Not Lest Ye Be Judged (For Campaign Finance Violations)”
Maybe we’re being too harsh. After all, judging is for … well, judges. And maybe for the rest of us too, considering we’re talking about a presidential candidate unclear on the concept that money blabbing equals bad.
The Hot Take
Alright, time for the hot steam press—a surefire way to straighten out these wrinkly antics. First, get yourself a presidential rulebook that doesn’t double as a fantasy novel. Then, maybe let’s stop treating the Oval Office like the high roller’s suite where the house (or in this case, the country) always loses.
We need a political detergent strong enough to remove even the stubbornest stains of delusion and disregard. Perhaps it’s time to put all that presidential immunity talk into a shredder and recycle it into something useful, like term limits or mandatory “How to Not Break the Law” seminars—taught by anyone but the guys currently on trial.
And if all fails, at least we can revel in the comedic goldmine that keeps on giving. Because in the end, if Trump’s legacy has provided us anything, it’s a surplus of punchlines and the idea that maybe, just maybe, “immunity” was the word of the day in a very twisted episode of Pee-wee’s Playhouse.
Source: Trump Rants About ‘Presidential Immunity’ As Hush Money Trial Begins
