Estimated reading time: 3 minutes
The Details
Oh, strap in folks, because we’ve got a juicy one here. It turns out that in the midst of the Capitol kerfuffle—oops, I mean, the insurrection—some government folks were texting each other. And guess what they were so gleefully typing about? “Glad DC has strict gun control,” they chirped. Because nothing says “American Democracy” like celebrating the lack of firearms in a city under siege by a mob. It’s like being thrilled that the Titanic had top-notch deck chairs.
The Breakdown
- Strict Gun Control is Like a Seatbelt, But For Your Whole Life
- You see, when the rule of law gets a wedgie, these officials were patting themselves on the back for gun laws. It’s like being proud of the seatbelt in a car with no brakes going down a hill. Safety first, am I right?
- Insurrectionists Could’ve Marched to Get Latte Instead
- How marvelous, the rioters didn’t bring their pew-pew sticks because those are a no-no in DC. Instead, they just paraded around Congress, making the point that all dramatic events could be improved with a strong coffee theme.
- When Democracy is Attacked, Text About Gun Laws
- Amidst the chaos, our trusty officials found the time to text about regulations. Who needs real-time crisis management when you’ve got unlimited texting plans, huh? Distraction is an art form best served with a touch of irony.
- “This is Fine” Dog Knows Best
- As the building was swarmed, it was totally the time to nod at the DC gun laws. Because everyone knows when your house is on fire, the most critical observation is that the smoke detector’s battery is fresh.
- Remember: Safety First, Democracy… Later?
- The takeaway here seems to be that safety protocols are much like sunscreen. You feel good slathering it on, but it doesn’t much help if you’re standing in a volcano.
The Counter
- Maybe They Were Auditioning for a Sitcom?
- “Government Officials Gone Wild: DC Edition” might be the hit new comedy based on these hilariously out-of-touch texts. Spoiler alert: the laugh track is just sobbing.
- Those Texts Will Be Museum Exhibits Someday
- In the future, kids will gather around display cases at a museum, reading these texts and asking, “So, this is how they saved democracy with emojis and data plans?”
- Isn’t It Impolite to Text During a Coup?
- What happened to good ol’ fashioned eye contact while society crumbles? It’s just rude to be glued to your screen when people are literally climbing walls.
- Strict Gun Control: Great for When You Forgot Your Pitchfork at Home
- It’s awfully considerate. It ensures everyone has an equally stressful time trying to brainstorm alternative weapons. Almost like a twisted team-building exercise.
- Violent Overthrow, But Keep It PG
- “Guys, let’s keep the threats to a strong language level, shall we? No need for anything more; this is a kid-friendly insurrection.”
The Hot Take
Well, folks, the solution is obviously more texting. Who needs a robust response to sedition when you’ve got thumbs and a decent data package? Maybe throw in some predictive text for government efficiency. “Today, we are defending democracy” auto-corrects to, “Today, we are deleting emails” – it’s genius. But seriously, if this is the state of things, perhaps the liberal master plan should be investing in a sarcasm-to-legislation app. Because if we can’t win them with wisdom, we’ll out-snark them to a better tomorrow. Just make sure to wrap it up with a gun-control cherry on top.
Source: ‘Very telling’ government texts released from Jan. 6: ‘Glad DC has strict gun control’
