Estimated reading time: 3 minutes
You’d think in a world where we’ve sent people to the moon, figured out how to make a burger taste good even when it’s made from plants, and turn a pair of glasses into a computer, we’d have gotten a handle on bird flu. But no! Here we are, decades into knowing about this virus, and every time it flaps its wings, the whole country starts flapping about like a chicken in a wind tunnel.
Now, the latest buzz from our feathered friends is not just affecting those with wings, but might actually concern us, the wingless wonders. That’s right, bird flu isn’t just for the birds anymore. It’s potentially crossing into mammals. Oh joy, the gift that keeps on giving! Cats, dogs, and even the holy cow (though I bet the Indians are breathing a sigh of relief that their sacred cows are oceans away) might be on the flu’s hit list now!
First off, let’s talk about our response. Remember when our biggest concern with birds was whether they’d poop on our freshly washed car? Well, fast forward, and now we’re wondering if feeding the ducks at the park might end us all. And our government’s action plan? If they manage it as well as they handle potholes, we’re in for a treat.
Can you imagine the advisory meetings? I bet it’s like, “Alright people, let’s put our best foot forward, which incidentally is the one not stuck in our mouth.”
They tell us not to worry too much yet. It’s just a few isolated cases. Isolated until it’s not, right? And then suddenly, it’s a special on the 6 o’clock news with dramatic music and a catchy title like, Pandemic: Feathered Boogaloo.
It’s almost like Mother Nature is sitting back and thinking, “What part of ‘stop messing with the planet’ do you not understand? Let’s throw in a bird pandemic and see if that sticks.” It’s not enough we’re dealing with global warming, now we have to watch Alfred Hitchcock’s “The Birds” but in real life?
And in the world of bird flu, we’re told to be vigilant. Wash your hands, they say. Oh, and maybe don’t snuggle your chicken tonight, folks. That’s right, cancel your chicken cuddles. Because apparently, that’s a thing we need to be told now.
This isn’t just an American issue. Oh no, we don’t monopolize stupidity all the time. This has been popping up globally, making bird flu the world’s least fun type of frequent flyer. They keep racking up those miles and we just can’t seem to ground them. Are airlines giving these birds loyalty benefits?
In the end, what have we learned? Basically, that we know a lot about everything and nothing at the same time. It’s the Schrödinger’s Cat of viruses; it may or may not be a big problem, so let’s throw crazed concern at it until we figure it out. And in the grand tradition of human overreaction, let’s assume that kitchen pigeons will start the apocalypse.
So, as I wrap this up, remember: if a bird flu apocalypse is nigh, at least we had fair warning. Look out for your pets, your farm animals, and maybe put that Thanksgiving turkey in a biohazard suit. Me? I’ll just be here, washing my hands obsessively, trying not to make any unwise poultry-related decisions.
