Donald Trump blamed Fox News for Republican losses in Tuesday's midterms. He objected to the network's polls and its inclusion of Democratic commentators. During a call into Fox's election coverage, he told its employees: “You ought to get yourself a good pollster, because your pollsters are the worst.”

Bret Baier pointed out that the results were actually close to what the Fox polls had shown.

Well. There's your problem, Bret. You hired a pollster who keeps asking the fucking voters.

What kind of operation are you running? A man turns on his favorite channel for reassurance, and some clipboard enthusiast has gone outside and collected information. From strangers. Without first establishing whether their opinions will improve the president's evening.

I understand the complaint. You order a flattering portrait, the artist arrives with a security camera. Nobody wants that sort of accuracy in the living room.

Except this was an election. The numbers were supposed to describe what might happen. Then it happened. Ordinarily, that's when you keep the pollster and have a difficult conversation with literally anybody else.

But no. Apparently the correct methodology is to call a thousand people, ask who they're voting for, and keep them on hold until they apologize.

The Daily Heckler: five or six selected stories.
Political satire for your morning inbox.

And the beautiful part, the part that makes me want to bite the remote, is that Fox was already working so hard to spare him. The Guardian watched more than six and a half hours of coverage and found commentators largely avoiding tying the losses directly to Trump. There was some criticism, particularly about messaging and the Iran war. Mostly, though, the cushions were out.

The network had padded the room and left one sharp corner called arithmetic.

Who left that there? Who lets arithmetic wander around a television studio unsupervised when the president is upset? Put a jacket over it. Tell him it's a very small red wave viewed from an unfortunate angle.

I need to put the remote down.

Because the pollster's great offense, apparently, was failing to understand the commission. Trump wanted somebody to take the electorate's temperature and then blow on the thermometer until it said landslide.

That's a magician. You're shopping in the wrong fucking profession.

Hire the fellow who saws a woman in half. At least he knows the audience wants to leave believing something impossible happened. This poor pollster didn't even bring a cape.

Poor bastard was standing there holding the right answer.