Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
The Details
In a twist more predictable than an M. Night Shyamalan film after you’ve seen all his other movies, Joe Biden has clinched the Georgia primary. Now, if you were betting on an underdog story, I guess you’ll have to look elsewhere—like maybe a turtle racing competition—because old Joe didn’t just tiptoe past the finish line, he did a full-on grandpa shuffle right through to scoop up enough delegates to slap a “Winner” badge on his suit next to the “I’m With Joe” pins.
The Breakdown
- Georgia On His Mind
Just like Ray Charles’ sweet, sweet melody, Georgia has gone blue and serenaded Biden with a victory worth writing a song about. Or in this case, an article that I’m not-so-gently twisting into a sarcastic pretzel. Yes, folks, Georgia decided to swipe right on Joe. - Delegate Dance-Off
The delegate count soared like an eagle, or perhaps more like a particularly enthusiastic pigeon, as Biden cashed in all his political lottery tickets. It’s the kind of math where even if you don’t like numbers, you end up loving them when they add up in your favor. - Celebration or Premature Elation?
Popping the champagne corks or quietly sipping a cup of “it’s not over till it’s over” tea? That’s the mood in the Dem camp, where they’re either braiding each other’s hair in celebration or trying not to jinx it. - Pundits’ Prognostications
The pundit class, in their infinite wisdom, have declared this the turning point, while of course reserving the right to backpedal faster than a unicyclist realizing they’re headed towards a cliff. - The Social Media Symphony
Twitter becomes a battleground where the left and the right throw digital confetti or virtual tomatoes, depending on their leanings, because that’s the mature way to handle political discourse in the 21st century, obviously.
The Counter
- Georgia Was Just Being Polite
Perhaps Georgia was just showing its Southern charm, giving Biden a win out of sheer politeness. Heck, next they might pass him some sweet tea and a peach cobbler just to sweeten the deal. - Delegate Pity Party
Did those delegates accumulate out of genuine support, or was it like when everyone at the bar chips in to buy the sad guy a drink because it’s his birthday and he’s there alone singing “All By Myself”? - Confetti or Caution Tape
Maybe that confetti should be switched out for caution tape because this party is far from over, and nobody wants to trip over the nomination like it’s a loose rug. - Pundit Hot Air Balloons
The pundits might as well be in hot air balloons, because they’re just full of hot air and only useful if you’re into that sort of thing—which is kind of outdated and really just for show. - Digital Dueling
If Twitter battles decided elections, then we might as well have just tweeted our votes. But apparently, we still have to do things the old-fashioned way and, you know, count them.
The Hot Take
If you’re looking for a little hot take action to wrap up this political bonanza, here’s a liberal laugher for you—if we’re playing this game, let’s really play. First off, let’s make Georgia’s primaries a reality show—because aren’t they already? Secondly, let’s give every delegate a dramatic backstory. I want tears, people. And lastly, to fix the problem of, well, all of this, let’s make sure that every time we hit a new political milestone, we take a big breath, a collective step back, and actually consider what’s best for this lunatic asylum we call a country. Spoiler: It’s to keep calm, carry on, and maybe not treat the democratic process like a fourth-grade field day.
Source: Biden clinches Georgia primary and gains enough delegates to win Dem nomination
