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The Details

In the ever-so-predictable turn of events in Nebraska, the governor has decided that gender-affirming care isn’t just for the birds or, God forbid, adults who have contemplated their decisions for longer than it takes to microwave a burrito. No, the Cornhusker state is opening up the life-changing possibilities to minors as well. It’s astounding, really, that amid the moos and the cornstalks, such progressive winds are blowing. It appears that kids, who can’t even decide between grape or strawberry jelly, are now deemed capable of navigating the complex and deeply personal journey of gender affirmation.

The Breakdown

• The “Gender? What’s That?” Movement: The Governor’s Approval
  Nebraska’s big cheese has signed off on some fresh, cutting-edge regulations; minors can now receive gender-affirming treatment – because, clearly, this will be the ticket to political tranquility and unanimous praise, right?
• Permission Slips for Puberty Blockers: The New Field Trip
  Long gone are the days of permission slips for zoos and museums. Now, teachers are gearing up to assist students not just in evolving their minds but potentially their bodies too. What’s next? Bungee-jumping for first graders?
• The Bureaucratic Ballet of Medical Regulations: And the Award Goes To…
  Bureaucrats have crafted a labyrinth of medical guidelines that are easier to understand if you’ve been drinking – because apparently, lucidity isn’t as important as making sure the i’s are dotted with hearts and the t’s crossed with rainbows.
• The DIY Approach to Development: Minor Decisions, Major Repercussions
  Who needs adults, anyway? In an era where TikTok dictates trends, it’s only logical to let youngsters call the shots on life-altering medical decisions. Because everyone knows that decision-making skills peak at sixteen.
• The Unwavering Certainty of Youth: “I Wanted a Dragon Tattoo Last Week, But This Is Different”
  With the unwavering certainty known only to teenagers, minors in Nebraska will tackle gender affirmation with the same aplomb as getting a driver’s license. Repeat after me: “This is just like picking a prom dress, right?”

The Counter

• Denying the Binary Babble: Because Who Trusts Science Anyway?
  Surely those old fogies in lab coats spouting ‘biology’ and ‘research’ know less about identity than teenagers, the long-respected sages of our time. Ah, the smell of sarcasm in the morning.
• The Melodramatic Merry-Go-Round of Maturity: Today I Am a Man… or Am I?
  Why let kids enjoy the confusing carousel of adolescence when we can load them up on life-changing decisions? Forget about waiting for maturity; that’s as outdated as dial-up internet.
• The Fiscal Fun of Funding Puberty: A Taxpayer’s Dream
  Citizens rejoice! Your hard-earned cash might just sponsor little Johnny’s or Jenny’s journey to becoming Jayden. Ah, the joy of involuntary philanthropy.
• Endless Professional Guesswork: Doctors Playing Dress-Up
  Medical professionals equipped with dartboards and magic 8-balls are now the go-to guides for navigating these gendered waters. Evidence-based decisions are so passé.
• The Political Playground Pledge: “I Cross My Heart and Hope to Vote”
  Politicians are lining up to pinky-swear allegiance to the latest trend, because if there’s one thing we can rely on, it’s the unshakable consistency of political promises.

The Hot Take

In the grand tradition of solving problems with all the finesse of a sledgehammer cracking a walnut, let’s sprinkle a bit of liberal fairy dust on this conundrum. First, let’s declare all teenagers omniscient; surely they know best. Secondly, let’s legislate mandatory glitter in all public fountains to promote universal happiness and inclusion.

Lastly, since the age-old tradition of tween omnipotence has finally been recognized, let’s also hand them the voting rights; they’re clearly ready for the weight of democracy on their SnapChat-engrossed shoulders. And just for the grand finale, let’s sponsor a nationwide “Puberty’s Optional!” campaign, because nothing says childhood like debating hormone blockers over your cereal choice in the morning.

Source: Nebraska governor approves regulations to allow gender-affirming care for minors