Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
Imagine a world where the most pressing issue facing the country is the terrifying spread of…checks notes…diversity, equity, and inclusion initiatives in medical schools. That’s right, folks, in a time when there are just a few minor nuisances like climate change, global pandemics, and the threat of entire social systems imploding, some House Republicans have found the real enemy: programs designed to ensure doctors represent and understand the diverse population they treat.
The Breakdown
- Menacing Medical Multiculturalism
- Critical Race Theory Concoction
- Clearly, the disdain for DEI is just part of a widespread panic that medical students might learn something about how race and socioeconomic factors affect health outcomes. We wouldn’t want our future doctors to be too informed – how un-American!
- Clearly, the disdain for DEI is just part of a widespread panic that medical students might learn something about how race and socioeconomic factors affect health outcomes. We wouldn’t want our future doctors to be too informed – how un-American!
- The Threat of Thoughtful Therapists
- The horrors of having therapists who think about the diverse needs of their patients! Instead, let’s roll back the clock to the good old days when a lobotomy was a cure-all. Who needs nuance in medicine, anyhow?
- The horrors of having therapists who think about the diverse needs of their patients! Instead, let’s roll back the clock to the good old days when a lobotomy was a cure-all. Who needs nuance in medicine, anyhow?
- Quotas for Cultural Ignorance
- The fear is palpable: too many know-it-alls who know too much about people who aren’t exactly like them walking around our hospitals. Let’s institute a quota for ignorance to get back on the righteous path.
- The fear is palpable: too many know-it-alls who know too much about people who aren’t exactly like them walking around our hospitals. Let’s institute a quota for ignorance to get back on the righteous path.
- Sympathy for the Sympathizers
- And of course, the idea that future doctors should empathize with their patients from different backgrounds is just one step away from anarchy. Sympathy should be reserved for those who spill their espresso on their brand-new khakis.
- And of course, the idea that future doctors should empathize with their patients from different backgrounds is just one step away from anarchy. Sympathy should be reserved for those who spill their espresso on their brand-new khakis.
The Counter
- Beneficial Budget Bummers
- Thankfully, the proposal includes punishing these dastardly educational systems financially, because nothing says “improving healthcare” like reducing funds to train doctors.
- Thankfully, the proposal includes punishing these dastardly educational systems financially, because nothing says “improving healthcare” like reducing funds to train doctors.
- Society’s Safety in Sameness
- Uniformity has worked so well in the past – just look at how exciting beige walls and vanilla ice cream are. Who needs a palette of options when you can have plain old plain?
- Uniformity has worked so well in the past – just look at how exciting beige walls and vanilla ice cream are. Who needs a palette of options when you can have plain old plain?
- Codes of Cultural Cluelessness
- We must protect our future doctors from the burden of understanding cultural differences. Ignorance is bliss, and a blissfully ignorant doctor is just what the hypochondriac ordered.
- We must protect our future doctors from the burden of understanding cultural differences. Ignorance is bliss, and a blissfully ignorant doctor is just what the hypochondriac ordered.
- Diversity Ditches Diagnosis
- By removing diversity from the equation, medical diagnosis becomes so much easier. Why consider varied life experiences when a single symptom checklist fits all?
- By removing diversity from the equation, medical diagnosis becomes so much easier. Why consider varied life experiences when a single symptom checklist fits all?
- Elitist Equity Ejections
- Equity in education is such an elitist concept; it’s much better to maintain the status quo. After all, keeping things exactly the same has never led to problems in the past, right?
- Equity in education is such an elitist concept; it’s much better to maintain the status quo. After all, keeping things exactly the same has never led to problems in the past, right?
The Hot Take
In light of this newfound existential threat to the republic, it’s time for a proper, full-throated, tongue-tied, spit-flying hot take that could only come from a seasoned sarcasm savant. To fix the outrageous issue of medical students potentially understanding their patients, why not introduce legislation that outlaws empathy altogether? It’s a pesky feeling that only gets in the way of unbiased diagnosis.
Next up, instead of DEI programs, let’s put our future doctors through a rigorous training program based on reruns of Dr. House. If they don’t come out with a limp and a Vicodin addiction, have they really learned anything about medicine?
Finally, and most seriously, to truly solve the problem, why not just do away with healthcare altogether? Then, no one will have to worry about whether their doctor understands their cultural background because they’ll be too busy trying to set their own broken leg using YouTube tutorials and Super Glue.
This is the torch of liberty, people: a fiery beacon of frustration for those who believe knowledge and understanding are overrated. God forbid we ever prepare our doctors to treat the unique individual in front of them. I mean, what’s next? Caring about their patients’ outcomes? Where will the madness end?
Source: House Republicans want to punish medical schools with DEI programs
