Estimated reading time: 5 minutes
In a world where common sense is about as rare as a calm day on Twitter, our glorious congregation of decision-makers, otherwise known as the U.S. House of Representatives, has once again played their favorite game of “Beat the Clock.”
This time they’ve managed to send a staggering $1.2 trillion funding deal sprinting towards the Senate like Usain Bolt chasing after his last Olympic medal, all before the strike of the midnight shutdown cliff. It’s political theater at its finest folks, with an edge-of-your-seat thrill that only a looming government shutdown can provide.
The Breakdown
- The Art of Last-Minute Shopping: Just like your dad on Christmas Eve, Congress has perfected the art of last-minute shopping. In the nick of time, they’ve tossed a $1.2 trillion package into the Senate’s cart. Bonus points for the added rush that only a potential economic calamity can provide.
- Let’s not forget the meticulous planning and careful consideration that goes into waiting until there’s just hours left on the legislative calendar. It’s not procrastination, it’s tactical delay!
- Budgetary Binge-Watching: If you’ve ever been stuck on the couch, binge-watching a show you swear you’ll stop after just one more episode, then you’ll understand what Congress is up to. Just trade the remote for a budget bill, and the parallels are uncanny.
- Looking at the itemized expenses is akin to scarfing down a tub of ice cream while you swear you’ll start the diet tomorrow. Tomorrow always comes, the diet, though… not so much.
- Racing Against Time – Literally: The suspense is palpable as lawmakers race the clock to avoid a shutdown. You could cut the tension with a knife, or better yet, with a pair of novelty oversized scissors suitable for a ribbon-cutting ceremony for the opening of a new taxpayer-funded something or other.
- The palpitations of the stock market in anticipation of their decision is more heart-pounding than an extra shot of espresso in your morning latte.
- Multi-Trillion-Dollar Hot Potato: Nothing says “democracy in action” like watching a multi-trillion-dollar hot potato being tossed from the House to the Senate. Just don’t let it drop, because unlike real hot potatoes, this one can burn more than just your hands.
- If only actual potatoes could be inflated in value this well, we’d all be Idaho billionaires.
- Fiscal Cliff Diving for Gold: Imagine cliff diving, except instead of water below, you’ve got the sharp rocks of a potential government shutdown. If this is the Olympic sport Congress was going for, I’d say they’ve all but snagged the gold by now.
- The sheer audacity to plunge into the fiscal abyss with the grace of a swan performing a belly flop is nothing short of awe-inspiring.
The Counter
- Procrastination is a Skill: While some may criticize the last-minute hustle, one can’t deny the skill involved in serial procrastination. After years of practice, Congress has this down to a fine art.
- At this point, they’re the Picassos of procrastination, turning a blank canvas into a panic-induced masterpiece just before the deadline.
- A Tribute to Paper Pushers Everywhere: When your job description includes creating, pushing, and signing off on hefty stacks of paperwork moments before disaster, you’ve got to give a nod to the office folk everywhere. Congress: just like us, but with fancier pens and bigger consequences.
- Who knew that binge-signing could make you feel like you’re part of an office-wide stationery-based sport?
- Thrill-Seeking Legislators: Maybe Congress is just full of adrenaline junkies. You can’t buy this kind of rush, because if you could, it would be wrapped in red tape and require a subcommittee approval.
- Extreme Sports, step aside. Extreme Legislation is the new adrenaline fix!
- Budgetary Hot Yoga: It’s all about flexibility. This level of financial acrobatics is basically hot yoga with numbers, contorting budgets and deadlines into impossible positions until the clock strikes midnight.
- The only difference is that instead of sweat, it’s taxpayer dollars dripping to the floor.
- The Government Shutdown Diet: There’s nothing like the threat of a shutdown to cut the fat in government spending. It’s a high-stakes version of “The Biggest Loser”, where the only thing we’re shedding is faith in timely decision-making.
- And just like every fad diet, we’ll be back where we started by next fiscal quarter!
The Hot Take
Folks, if you’re looking for a solution more solid than the “honor system” at a pick-your-own fruit farm, you’ve come to the wrong place. But here’s a hot take fresh out of the oven: let’s turn the whole process into reality TV. Seriously, imagine “America’s Next Top Budget Plan”–voted on by viewers, with celebrity judges and all the drama of a rose ceremony without any of the romance.
We could require legislators to wear Step Counters and livestream those numbers; no one gets to pen a bill until they’ve hit at least 10,000 steps around the Capitol. It’s a win-win: they get the blood flowing, and we get to delay decisions until the very crucial moments we all secretly love, but this time with added cardio!
The ideal world would have budgets crafted like artisanal sourdough–starter dough fermented for months, with each decision kneaded carefully, and baked to perfection with the whole community watching the oven. But since we’re dealing with the gluten of real life, that just can’t be the case.
Source: House sends $1.2T funding deal to Senate ahead of midnight shutdown cliff
