Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
Well, folks, just when you thought the soap opera that is American politics couldn’t get any more dramatic, the Senate throws us a curveball that’s so predictable it’s almost boring. Let’s chop into the meaty drama of the first Muslim American being tossed around like a hot potato in what’s conventionally known as the judicial nomination process.
- Religious Diversity or Division?
- Let’s hear a big round of applause for the Senate, which has found itself another way to show that its version of diversity is like a unicorn in a field of horses – imaginary and frankly, quite disappointing. It’s like watching a bunch of kids fight over who gets to play with the cool new toy that the “other” kid brought to the playground.
- Let’s hear a big round of applause for the Senate, which has found itself another way to show that its version of diversity is like a unicorn in a field of horses – imaginary and frankly, quite disappointing. It’s like watching a bunch of kids fight over who gets to play with the cool new toy that the “other” kid brought to the playground.
- The Senate’s Slow-Mo Mode
- In true bureaucratic style, the Senate’s pace makes a snail look like a Formula 1 racer. The nominee’s dangling there, wondering if he’ll age a decade before anyone decides he’s fit to bang a gavel. Or not. Or maybe. Stay tuned for another episode of “The World’s Most Indecisive Deliberative Body.”
- In true bureaucratic style, the Senate’s pace makes a snail look like a Formula 1 racer. The nominee’s dangling there, wondering if he’ll age a decade before anyone decides he’s fit to bang a gavel. Or not. Or maybe. Stay tuned for another episode of “The World’s Most Indecisive Deliberative Body.”
- Obstacle Course – Senate Edition
- The nominee’s credentials stare back at them like “The Scream” by Edvard Munch. Instead of admiring the art, Senators are doing what they do best: creating a needless obstacle course, where the only prize at the end is further political division and a few more grey hairs for everyone watching.
- The nominee’s credentials stare back at them like “The Scream” by Edvard Munch. Instead of admiring the art, Senators are doing what they do best: creating a needless obstacle course, where the only prize at the end is further political division and a few more grey hairs for everyone watching.
- ‘Advise and Consent’ or ‘Divide and Conquer’?
- The Senate’s supposed to advise and consent, but lately, it’s more divide and conquer. They’ve turned what should be a job interview process into a game of “How can we make this look like we’re working while we’re actually just stalling?” It’s not about qualifications; it’s about who can be the king of the playground.
- The Senate’s supposed to advise and consent, but lately, it’s more divide and conquer. They’ve turned what should be a job interview process into a game of “How can we make this look like we’re working while we’re actually just stalling?” It’s not about qualifications; it’s about who can be the king of the playground.
- Judges as Political Pawns
- You’ve got to love how a position that’s supposed to be above politics is about as non-political as a debate at a family Thanksgiving dinner. Candidates for judge are assessed not by their legal prowess, but by how many votes they can be traded for. It feels like we’re one step away from seeing a judge nominee featured on a trading card.
- You’ve got to love how a position that’s supposed to be above politics is about as non-political as a debate at a family Thanksgiving dinner. Candidates for judge are assessed not by their legal prowess, but by how many votes they can be traded for. It feels like we’re one step away from seeing a judge nominee featured on a trading card.
The Counter
After the comically tragic spectacle in The Breakdown, we must brace ourselves for the knee-slapping rebuttals.
- Bipartisanship is Alive and Well—at Comedy Clubs
- In a world where bipartisanship is basically Bigfoot (heard of, never seen), it’s endearing to see our senators pretend it’s alive. It’s akin to saying my diet starts tomorrow; a lovely thought, without any grounding in reality.
- In a world where bipartisanship is basically Bigfoot (heard of, never seen), it’s endearing to see our senators pretend it’s alive. It’s akin to saying my diet starts tomorrow; a lovely thought, without any grounding in reality.
- Efficiency? Never Heard of It
- Efficiency in the Senate is like a laugh track at a funeral – horribly out of place. At this point, they should give out participation awards, so everyone feels accomplished for doing the bare minimum.
- Efficiency in the Senate is like a laugh track at a funeral – horribly out of place. At this point, they should give out participation awards, so everyone feels accomplished for doing the bare minimum.
- Explosive Political Capital
- Declaring the Senate cares about anything other than political capital is like me saying I care about the nutritional value when I eat cheesecake for breakfast. It’s all about that sweet, sweet leverage, baby.
- Declaring the Senate cares about anything other than political capital is like me saying I care about the nutritional value when I eat cheesecake for breakfast. It’s all about that sweet, sweet leverage, baby.
- Merit-Based Evaluation? LOL
- Sure, we pretend that nominees are evaluated on merit. And while we’re at it, let’s pretend I have a full head of luscious hair that’s totally not a toupee. Who cares about qualifications when you have political theater?
- Sure, we pretend that nominees are evaluated on merit. And while we’re at it, let’s pretend I have a full head of luscious hair that’s totally not a toupee. Who cares about qualifications when you have political theater?
- Diversity Quotas – Senate Style
- The Senate loves diversity—the kind that looks good on paper but doesn’t change the status quo. Like adding a kale garnish to a double bacon cheeseburger; it’s there, but no one’s fooled it’s making a difference.
- The Senate loves diversity—the kind that looks good on paper but doesn’t change the status quo. Like adding a kale garnish to a double bacon cheeseburger; it’s there, but no one’s fooled it’s making a difference.
The Hot Take
In the grand tradition of American political satire, let’s cook up a steamy hot take on how to whip this charade into something less of a national embarrassment.
First off, let’s implement “Nomination Thunderdome.” Two senators enter, one nominee leaves—with a lifetime appointment. May the most reasonable senator win, a novel idea in a place where reason went out the window with powdered wigs.
Next up, how about “Political Survivor: Senate Edition”? Instead of immunity idols, senators find “Constitution Clues” that remind them of their job description. Last senator standing who still has a shred of integrity wins the right to vote.
Lastly, and stick with me here—what if, (and I know this is crazy), the Senate actually read up on the nominees and made decisions based on qualifications rather than whose turn it is to play the political chess grandmaster?
So, there’s your liberal barbecue sauce on the ribs of justice. Tender, with a bit of a kick, and full of the flavor of irony and despair. A recipe bound to turn the Senate into a chamber where things get done. Maybe. Probably not. But we can dream, can’t we?
Source: First Muslim American nominated to federal appeals court faces roadblocks in Senate
