Estimated reading time: 3 minutes
Ok, so Letitia James, the Attorney General of New York, basically spat fire in response to a certain ex-POTUS’s attempt to slim down his financial guarantee – essentially a monetary pinky swear to say he wouldn’t shred or torch any pertinent documents tied to an ongoing civil fraud investigation.
Now, remember kids, this is the same guy whose idea of document retention includes ‘seasoned with ketchup and digested.’ Anyhow, James said ‘Nuh-uh’ to this, calling out the audacity of such a request with the kind of zeal that typically precedes a dragon incinerating a village in a fantasy novel – metaphorically speaking, of course.
The Breakdown
- Absolutely Shocked, I Tell You
- You’ll never believe it, but turns out the bond reduction was actually asked for the innocence-proving sum of $0. Nada. Nothing. Because who needs accountability when you’ve got self-proclaimed billionaire status?
- You’ll never believe it, but turns out the bond reduction was actually asked for the innocence-proving sum of $0. Nada. Nothing. Because who needs accountability when you’ve got self-proclaimed billionaire status?
- Playing the Greatest Hits
- It’s no surprise that the former head honcho’s legal script reads like a broken record, whining about witch hunts and fake news. James’ rebuttal? A scorcher of a press release, probably ghostwritten by the spirit of Johnny Cash because it’s a ring of fire.
- It’s no surprise that the former head honcho’s legal script reads like a broken record, whining about witch hunts and fake news. James’ rebuttal? A scorcher of a press release, probably ghostwritten by the spirit of Johnny Cash because it’s a ring of fire.
- Fiscal Responsibility: A Novel Concept
- When it comes to securing documents in a fraud case, who knew it could be so expensive? Trump’s lawyers argue the current $10 million is overkill, but in what universe does someone accused of inflating their assets balk at a couple of million bucks?
- When it comes to securing documents in a fraud case, who knew it could be so expensive? Trump’s lawyers argue the current $10 million is overkill, but in what universe does someone accused of inflating their assets balk at a couple of million bucks?
- Constitutional Crocodile Tears
- Cue the predictable moaning about constitutional rights being trampled. Because if there’s one thing that says ‘victim’, it’s a man with gold-plated toilets.
- Cue the predictable moaning about constitutional rights being trampled. Because if there’s one thing that says ‘victim’, it’s a man with gold-plated toilets.
- ‘Reduced’ Does Not Mean What You Think It Means
- Apparently, in Trumplandia, ‘reduce’ translates to ‘make disappear like my old university.’ That alleged business school vanished, and now he wants his financial guarantee to follow suit.
- Apparently, in Trumplandia, ‘reduce’ translates to ‘make disappear like my old university.’ That alleged business school vanished, and now he wants his financial guarantee to follow suit.
The Counter
- That’s Just Good Business
- Who wouldn’t want to cut costs wherever possible? If you can avoid paying for something, especially pesky bonds tied to fraud investigations, isn’t that just fiscal prudence? Next, they’ll be expecting him to pay taxes or something ridiculous like that!
- Who wouldn’t want to cut costs wherever possible? If you can avoid paying for something, especially pesky bonds tied to fraud investigations, isn’t that just fiscal prudence? Next, they’ll be expecting him to pay taxes or something ridiculous like that!
- Witch Hunt Warfare
- You might argue there’s more rue and eye of newt in the air than an actual cauldron-bubbling witch when Trump decries witch hunts, but hey, persecution complexes are all the rage this season.
- You might argue there’s more rue and eye of newt in the air than an actual cauldron-bubbling witch when Trump decries witch hunts, but hey, persecution complexes are all the rage this season.
- Inflate-Gate
- Insisting that inflating asset valuations is as American as apple pie, baseball, and not showing the tax returns, talk about entrepreneurial spirit!
- Insisting that inflating asset valuations is as American as apple pie, baseball, and not showing the tax returns, talk about entrepreneurial spirit!
- Constitutional Cosplay
- Maybe we’ve all been reading the Constitution wrong. Perhaps it’s meant to be interpreted through the lens of someone who made a cameo in a Home Alone movie, because that’s obviously what the Founding Fathers intended.
- Maybe we’ve all been reading the Constitution wrong. Perhaps it’s meant to be interpreted through the lens of someone who made a cameo in a Home Alone movie, because that’s obviously what the Founding Fathers intended.
- Writing Checks the Body Can’t Cash
- If the art of the deal includes avoiding payment on the nose, then we’ve found our Picasso. Calling for a bond reduction is just being an aficionado of fine financial arts.
- If the art of the deal includes avoiding payment on the nose, then we’ve found our Picasso. Calling for a bond reduction is just being an aficionado of fine financial arts.
The Hot Take
Alright, you scallywags, here’s the superheated take on how to fix the American justice system’s absurdity. First, let’s make sure every argument about financial responsibility in court is followed by a live polygraph. Yes, a lawyer’s nightmare – truth serum in real-time, baby! Next up, every mention of ‘witch hunt’ triggers an automatic donation to education about actual historical witch hunts because irony must be learned.
Finally, let’s have a constitutional reading hour, hosted by the Library of Congress’s most sardonic librarians. This way, folks might actually learn what ‘rights’ mean before complaining they’re violated whenever they can’t do whatever the heck they want.
Source: Letitia James Fires Back After Donald Trump’s Bond Reduction
