Estimated reading time: 5 minutes
In today’s latest example of “irony is dead and we are all just characters in a satirical dystopian novel,” we venture into the heart of modern America’s very own oligarchy with a story so warm and fuzzy it might just make you seethe in discomfort.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, put your hands together for former President Donald Trump and TikTok investor Jeff Yass who have showcased a master class in oligarchy—essentially, the art of power concentration that would make even the Rockefellers blush. But don’t take my word for it, let’s break down the big-money hustle with the finesse of a bulldozer at a tea party.
The Breakdown
- The Art of the Deal Goes TikTok Viral: Trump has never been one to shy away from a business venture, but partnering with a TikTok investor? That’s like finding out your grandmother has started a heavy metal band with Ozzy Osbourne—it’s unexpected, concerning, and you can’t look away even if you try.
Specifics: Jeff Yass, the man who saw potential in lip-syncing teens, is now apparently cozying up to the king of bankruptcy himself. Their foray into monetizing short-form dance videos is less a “strange bedfellows” situation and more of a “same feathers flock together” scenario.
- Hiding in Plain Sight: Remember when secret societies were a thing? Well, Trump and Yass don’t need to lurk in the shadows when they can frolic in the sunlight, doing oligarchy things like two villains out of a 90s cartoon show.
Specifics: Their partnership isn’t just about making bank; it’s about flaunting it. Because in America, wealth isn’t just king—it’s the entire royal court.
- Checks and Balances? More like Checks and Bank Balances: American politics used to have this quaint little thing called “checks and balances.” But why bother with that when you can have checks that swell your bank balance? Oligarchy 101, right?
Specifics: When power is intertwined with wealth, political influence becomes just another asset to buy and sell—and these two are shopping for influence like it’s Black Friday.
- The Offshore Bank Account, A Modern Love Story: Our country was built on a dream—a dream that one day your offshore bank account would be as filled as the hearts of the starving children on Thanksgiving cards.
Specifics: If love is about giving and taking, the oligarchy is the epitome of romance. Give a little to the campaign fund, take a lot from public trust.
- Civic Duty or Civic ‘Dude, Really?’: Civic engagement once meant voting, but now it seems to mean engaging in a hostile takeover of democracy itself because, why not?
Specifics: Forget community service; the new civic duty involves servicing your wealth, preferably in a room adorned with tax exemption certificates.
The Counter
- Ol’ Honest Abe Needs a New Gig: Remember when presidents stood for honesty and integrity? Oh wait, sorry, I was thinking of Abraham Lincoln – the car commercial, not the president.
Sarcasm Alert: Because nothing says “following the Lincoln legacy” like monetizing democracy.
- The People’s Choice (Now With More Oligarchs!): The people have spoken, and they want… more oligarchs? Hold your applause—or start practicing your proletariat chant.
Sarcasm Alert: Nothing represents the common man like a good old-fashioned billionaire.
- Monopoly Money Isn’t Just a Game Anymore: Most kids learn about money by playing Monopoly, but who knew Trump and Yass were taking notes on how to actually run the economy?
Sarcasm Alert: Don’t pass “Go,” don’t collect $200—unless it’s in tax breaks.
- The Little Engine That Could (Afford Political Influence): If I could paint this storybook tale, it’d be about the little engine that could buy influence and sell out faster than a Supreme drop.
Sarcasm Alert: Choo-choo, here comes the money train!
- A Modest Proposal for More Inequality: Who needs satire when you can just watch real-time proposals for increasing inequality and giggle as society crumbles?
Sarcasm Alert: Jonathan Swift’s got nothing on these guys.
The Hot Take
In an absolutely scorching take so hot it might just melt the polar ice caps faster than climate change, here’s a truly liberal solution: Let’s replace the current measure of GDP with Good Deeds Performed. Imagine a world where you’re acclaimed for acts of kindness rather than the cash in your wallet.
Ridiculous, right? Better yet, let’s transform tax law into an actual Sacred Text where the wealthy cannot exercise their creative writing skills. And, dare I say it, maybe just maybe make “pay your fair share” the new national anthem?
There you have it, folks. In a saga filled with theatrical irony, you’d almost expect a laugh track to play after every deal. Remember, just like in the movies, the sequel is never as good as the original unless, of course, it involves oligarchs. Then, brace yourselves for the franchise.
Source: Trump and TikTok investor Jeff Yass are showing what oligarchy looks like
