Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
Vladimir Putin – Russia’s strongman who never misses an opportunity to flex his not-so-diplomatic muscles – is back at it again. In a tale that’s as convoluted as any Russian novel, he’s pointing fingers straight at Kyiv for a terrorist attack in Moscow, straight from the “It Wasn’t Me” playbook. Meanwhile, ISIS, perhaps feeling a little ignored in this blame shifting, is apparently off somewhere penning “ISIS is its own story,” because they want some credit too, right? Let’s dive deep into the details, and by ‘deep,’ I mean wading through the kiddie pool of international intrigue that Putin has filled with his tears of outrage.
The Breakdown
- The Big, Bad Wolf Cries “Ukraine!”
- Putin, chest puffed out, has decreed it’s Kyiv’s fault. Because, of course, blaming the neighbor you’ve been badgering is totally the adult thing to do and not at all like a Scooby-Doo villain getting unmasked.
- Putin, chest puffed out, has decreed it’s Kyiv’s fault. Because, of course, blaming the neighbor you’ve been badgering is totally the adult thing to do and not at all like a Scooby-Doo villain getting unmasked.
- ISIS Feels Left Out
- Sources, Sources, Who Needs ‘Em?
- In true strongman style, Putin dismisses the need for something as mundane as evidence. Why bother with pesky things like facts when you can just manufacture reality? It’s like Photoshop for politics. Too much work? Just smudge it!
- In true strongman style, Putin dismisses the need for something as mundane as evidence. Why bother with pesky things like facts when you can just manufacture reality? It’s like Photoshop for politics. Too much work? Just smudge it!
- It’s Like Clue, but Everyone Did It in the Conservatory with the Candlestick
- The Red Telephone is Ringing Off the Hook
- Meanwhile, in the Kremlin, the red phone is buzzing with calls from concerned conspiracy theorists wanting in on the action. “Did you check under the bed, Vlad? That’s where Kyiv usually hides, right?”
- Meanwhile, in the Kremlin, the red phone is buzzing with calls from concerned conspiracy theorists wanting in on the action. “Did you check under the bed, Vlad? That’s where Kyiv usually hides, right?”
The Counter
- But My Friend Said…
- Well, what do you know, the Kremlin’s got that one buddy who totally vouches for their story. No need for corroboration when you’ve got a friend of a friend who heard from their cousin’s roommate that Ukraine did it.
- Well, what do you know, the Kremlin’s got that one buddy who totally vouches for their story. No need for corroboration when you’ve got a friend of a friend who heard from their cousin’s roommate that Ukraine did it.
- Logic, Schmogic
- Poking holes in the story with logic is like asking a flat earther to explain sunsets. Sure, ISIS claiming responsibility is ‘logical,’ but logic clearly didn’t get an invite to this party.
- Poking holes in the story with logic is like asking a flat earther to explain sunsets. Sure, ISIS claiming responsibility is ‘logical,’ but logic clearly didn’t get an invite to this party.
- The Cry-Wolf Paradox
- If Putin cries ‘wolf’ like he blames Kyiv, we’ll eventually end up with a zoo. By the 33rd false alarm, we’re all gonna need to adopt a wolf because, apparently, they’re everywhere.
- If Putin cries ‘wolf’ like he blames Kyiv, we’ll eventually end up with a zoo. By the 33rd false alarm, we’re all gonna need to adopt a wolf because, apparently, they’re everywhere.
- Occam’s Rusty Razor
- You know Occam’s Razor, right? The simplest explanation is usually correct? Well, Putin’s using some knock-off brand that says, “the most convoluted explanation is probably true.” It’s for shaving balloons, not faces.
- You know Occam’s Razor, right? The simplest explanation is usually correct? Well, Putin’s using some knock-off brand that says, “the most convoluted explanation is probably true.” It’s for shaving balloons, not faces.
- Eau de Paranoia
- They should bottle the scent coming out of Moscow; it’s a unique blend of fear, conspiracy, and a hint of hubris. Warning: Don’t spray too much; side effects may include international isolation and uncontrollable finger-pointing.
- They should bottle the scent coming out of Moscow; it’s a unique blend of fear, conspiracy, and a hint of hubris. Warning: Don’t spray too much; side effects may include international isolation and uncontrollable finger-pointing.
The Hot Take
In a move surprising no one, Putin has decided to play his favorite game: Pin the Tail on Literally Anyone But Us. But since we’re all about solutions here on the liberal side of town, here’s a tip – how about not invading countries and then getting surprised Pikachu face when things go south? I bet if Putin diverted half the energy he uses for blame storming into playing nice with the global community, he might not need to whip up a bogeyman every time someone spills vodka on the Kremlin carpet. Accountability is like kale; not always pleasant, but oh-so-good for you in the long run.
Source: Putin sees Kyiv in Moscow terrorist attack. But ISIS is its own story.
