Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
In the fantastically progressive world we inhabit, some bright sparks with evidently too much time on their hands have decided that the complexities of abortion and divorce aren’t nearly complex enough. And so, in an effort to simplify this chaos, they have concocted laws that bind these issues together like peanut butter and jelly, except imagine if both ingredients were made from broken glass and cyanide. These regulations are so astutely designed that they have the potential to turn the lives of pregnant individuals into a Kafkaesque nightmare — and not in the cool, existentialist way.
The Breakdown:
- Say “I Don’t” to Personal Choice
How adorable is it that people can potentially get trapped in a marriage because some legislators thought, “You know what pregnant people need? Less control over their lives!” It’s quaint, like a little black-and-white sitcom where everyone laughs when someone trips over a rake. - A Bundle of Restrictions Comes with Your Bundle of Joy
Expecting? Surprise! Here’s a bonus gift — a shiny set of laws that make that whole ‘my body, my choice’ mantra a cute, yet painfully distant memory. Because nothing says ‘maternal bliss’ like legally enforced spousal cohabitation. - Divorce is Such a Hassle, Let’s Just Ban It Altogether!
Think of all the paperwork lawyers won’t have to do when couples are legally handcuffed together due to a pregnancy. It’s like marriage is becoming that gym membership you can never escape—except getting out of shape is the least of your worries. - Paternity Tests: The New Foreplay
Who knew that scientific proof of who fathered whom would be the hot, new pre-nup? “Darling, before we hit the bedroom, let’s swing by the lab.” Talk about killing the mood with one prick—and not the fun kind. - Redefining ‘Pro-Life’: Because Once You’re Pregnant, Your Life as You Knew It Is Over
Life’s all about growth, change, and never being able to make decisions about your own body again. It’s the new ‘pro-life’ movement—emphasis on ‘life sentence’.
The Counter:
- Eternal Matrimony: Who Needs Divorce Anyway?
Marriage is sacred, eternal, and should not be subject to something as trivial as human will. So what if you’re pregnant and want a divorce? Sit down, enjoy your shotgun wedding cake, and revel in your handcuffs made of legal documents and moral judgments. - Paternity Games: May the Odds Be Ever in Your Favor
Gone are the days where paternity was assumed; it’s time to gamify the process! Picture it: game shows where paternity tests are revealed, and your marital status is the grand prize. Who needs romance when you have reality TV-worthy drama? - Autonomy Is So Overrated
Who wouldn’t want their bodily autonomy overruled by legislation? It’s like having a helicopter parent for the rest of your life, except it’s the government, and there’s no escaping to college. - The Government Knows Best
Clearly, the government knows what’s best for everyone’s individual circumstances. It’s comforting to know that big brother is not just watching but also grounding you indefinitely without TV privileges. - Keep ‘Em Barefoot and Pregnant
It’s a classic strategy: if you can’t keep them barefoot, at least you can ensure they stay pregnant and married. It’s like a 1950s sitcom, but with none of the charm and all of the oppression.
The Hot Take:
Now, I know what you’re thinking — Lewis, how on Earth could we possibly improve upon such a flawless system? Well, fear not, because I have concocted the perfect recipe for a forward-thinking society. First, let’s stop treating pregnant people like walking incubators.
Then maybe — just maybe — consider the radical idea of trusting these amazing humans to make choices about their own lives. I know, it’s a real brain buster. And while we’re dreaming the impossible, let’s sprinkle in some true equality of choice and a handful of respect for personal autonomy — tastes like freedom, doesn’t it?
Source: Abortion Bans and Divorce Restrictions Are Dangerous Combo for Pregnant People
