Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
In a world where imagination runs as wild as kids in a candy store after having downed six espressos, Representative Matt Gaetz recently gifted us with a new plan that is sure to have economists and Saturday Night Live’s writers in a frenzied state of joy.
The man has seen the vast money pit known as Ukraine aid and, in a move as surprising as a plot twist in a soap opera, he suggests redirecting these funds to secure our Mexican border. The congressman must believe that money, much like his political career, can just sashay across borders with no repercussions.
The Breakdown:
- Recycling at Its Finest
- Imagine how environmentally friendly it is to take our old, worn-out dollars that we were going to send overseas, recycle them, and turn them into a spanking new border. It’s repurposing with a patriotic twist!
- Imagine how environmentally friendly it is to take our old, worn-out dollars that we were going to send overseas, recycle them, and turn them into a spanking new border. It’s repurposing with a patriotic twist!
- A New Foreign Policy Doctrine: The Gaetz Exchange Rate
- With this plan, we introduce the Gaetz Exchange Rate: one dollar towards Ukraine can be directly converted into one brick for the wall. It’s innovative foreign policy meeting domestic bliss.
- With this plan, we introduce the Gaetz Exchange Rate: one dollar towards Ukraine can be directly converted into one brick for the wall. It’s innovative foreign policy meeting domestic bliss.
- Forget the Stock Market, Invest in Border Bricks
- Who knew that the best investment for our country could be literal bricks? Wall Street is quaking as the ‘Gaetz Brick Portfolio’ is set to become the new blue-chip stock.
- Who knew that the best investment for our country could be literal bricks? Wall Street is quaking as the ‘Gaetz Brick Portfolio’ is set to become the new blue-chip stock.
- A Modern-Day Monopoly Move
- Gaetz seems to be playing a real-life game of Monopoly, suggesting we take money earmarked for international avenues and putting it all on ‘Border Security’ – just like skipping Park Avenue and going directly to jail, without passing go or collecting $200.
- Gaetz seems to be playing a real-life game of Monopoly, suggesting we take money earmarked for international avenues and putting it all on ‘Border Security’ – just like skipping Park Avenue and going directly to jail, without passing go or collecting $200.
- Superman’s Bizarro World Economics
- In what can only be described as a policy derived from Superman’s Bizarro World, aid money morphs into a magical solution for all domestic problems. Red Superman cape and ‘Make America Great Again’ hat sold separately.
- In what can only be described as a policy derived from Superman’s Bizarro World, aid money morphs into a magical solution for all domestic problems. Red Superman cape and ‘Make America Great Again’ hat sold separately.
The Counter:
- Aid is So Last Season
- Ukraine aid is out, folks. Anyone still supporting it is just not keeping up with the fiscal fashion. Don’t be caught dead in last year’s charity!
- Ukraine aid is out, folks. Anyone still supporting it is just not keeping up with the fiscal fashion. Don’t be caught dead in last year’s charity!
- DIY International Relations
- Who needs diplomats and foreign aid workers when you’ve got a DIY approach to foreign relations? Just redirect the funds, slap on some duct tape, and call it international strategy!
- Who needs diplomats and foreign aid workers when you’ve got a DIY approach to foreign relations? Just redirect the funds, slap on some duct tape, and call it international strategy!
- Build-a-Bear, but for National Security
- Matt Gaetz’s plan is akin to going to Build-a-Bear, except you’re assembling a national security strategy from the clearance bin.
- Matt Gaetz’s plan is akin to going to Build-a-Bear, except you’re assembling a national security strategy from the clearance bin.
- Money Trees Grow on Capitol Hill
- Apparently, Capitol Hill has a secret orchard of money trees where dollars grow just for the purpose of being plucked and planted wherever it seems politically expedient.
- Apparently, Capitol Hill has a secret orchard of money trees where dollars grow just for the purpose of being plucked and planted wherever it seems politically expedient.
- The Fiscal Magician Act
- Watch as Gaetz, the fiscal magician, pulls budget solutions out of a hat. For his next trick, he’ll turn Medicaid into a voucher for a spa day.
- Watch as Gaetz, the fiscal magician, pulls budget solutions out of a hat. For his next trick, he’ll turn Medicaid into a voucher for a spa day.
The Hot Take:
What if we solved our international dilemmas not by measly monetary aid but by exporting our finest asset: satire? Picture this: rather than sending money, we send over a fleet of America’s comedians armed with nothing but their sharpest zingers and a powerpoint on ‘The Absurdities of American Policy’. Not only would this solve diplomatic tensions through laughter, but it’ll also cut down on the national deficit, because as we all know, jokes are cheaper by the dozen.
Let’s ditch the old playbook and draft up new strategies that combine common sense with a good ol’ guffaw. Who’s with me? Now that’s a plan not even Gaetz could argue with – because like any comedian knows, you can’t fix every problem, but you sure can get a good bit out of trying.
