Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
In an astounding feat that could only come from the universe where reality TV and politics cross streams, Donald Trump has reportedly called on District Judge Aileen Cannon to do him a solid. The favor? Not so small – just a teensy weensy delay in his civil investigation by the New York Attorney General.
Because, you know, when facing legal scrutiny, why not ask for a little more time to get your golf swings right? It’s not procrastination, it’s strategy! And in Trump’s world, time isn’t just money – it’s another round of headlines.
The Breakdown
- Favoritism is the New Black
- You’ve got to hand it to Trump; he knows how to pick ’em. Judge Cannon, appointed by Trump himself, must now decide whether to pause the civil probe into his business practices. It’s kind of like asking your mom to write you a sick note for skipping school because the dog ate your homework. And your dog is a rabid conspiracy theorist.
- You’ve got to hand it to Trump; he knows how to pick ’em. Judge Cannon, appointed by Trump himself, must now decide whether to pause the civil probe into his business practices. It’s kind of like asking your mom to write you a sick note for skipping school because the dog ate your homework. And your dog is a rabid conspiracy theorist.
- Legal Limbo: How Low Can You Go?
- The former President seems to be aiming for a world record in the game of legal limbo. How many legal challenges can you slide under before your back gives out? His request to delay proceedings is the legal equivalent of spraying WD-40 on the limbo stick.
- The former President seems to be aiming for a world record in the game of legal limbo. How many legal challenges can you slide under before your back gives out? His request to delay proceedings is the legal equivalent of spraying WD-40 on the limbo stick.
- The Art of the Stall
- Trump’s authored many things, and “The Art of the Stall” could be his next bestseller. This chapter: delaying the inevitable. Some might call it obstruction, others might say it’s creative time management. If only he put as much effort into his infrastructure plan.
- Trump’s authored many things, and “The Art of the Stall” could be his next bestseller. This chapter: delaying the inevitable. Some might call it obstruction, others might say it’s creative time management. If only he put as much effort into his infrastructure plan.
- New York State of Mind
- The Big Apple’s got a bite, and Trump’s certainly feeling the teeth. The New York AG is proving that she’s more than just talk, digging heels in faster than a businessman jumping into a limo to escape paparazzi. Trump’s playbook: When you can’t beat ‘em, ask ‘em to wait.
- The Big Apple’s got a bite, and Trump’s certainly feeling the teeth. The New York AG is proving that she’s more than just talk, digging heels in faster than a businessman jumping into a limo to escape paparazzi. Trump’s playbook: When you can’t beat ‘em, ask ‘em to wait.
- Four Seasons Total Landscaping
- Ah, the nostalgia of Trump’s legal defenses taking root in the most unexpected places. The current proceedings might not be happening next to a landscaping company slash adult book store, but the backdrop is just as surreal. We’re notably lacking Rudy Giuliani’s color
commentary, though.
- Ah, the nostalgia of Trump’s legal defenses taking root in the most unexpected places. The current proceedings might not be happening next to a landscaping company slash adult book store, but the backdrop is just as surreal. We’re notably lacking Rudy Giuliani’s color
The Counter
- Delaying as an Act of Kindness
- Let’s not be too harsh; maybe Trump is just thinking of the hardworking lawyers and justices. They’ve earned a break, right? Everyone deserves an extra-long recess, especially if your playground is a courtroom.
- Let’s not be too harsh; maybe Trump is just thinking of the hardworking lawyers and justices. They’ve earned a break, right? Everyone deserves an extra-long recess, especially if your playground is a courtroom.
- Cannon: The Name of a Judge or a Pirate Ship
- Playing favorites? Pish-posh! Judge Cannon could totally be the name of an impartial justice wielder or, alternatively, a really cool pirate ship. Both equally likely to disrupt the regular flow of justice, just for different reasons.
- Playing favorites? Pish-posh! Judge Cannon could totally be the name of an impartial justice wielder or, alternatively, a really cool pirate ship. Both equally likely to disrupt the regular flow of justice, just for different reasons.
- Efficiency Is Overrated
- If this delay is granted, one could argue Trump is once again championing the anti-efficiency movement. Why make things quick and easy when they could be slow and torturous? It builds character!
- If this delay is granted, one could argue Trump is once again championing the anti-efficiency movement. Why make things quick and easy when they could be slow and torturous? It builds character!
- Time Travel Is Real
- Perhaps Trump is just testing his time machine and needs the diversion to avoid a catastrophic paradox. Who knew legal delays could help reconcile general relativity with quantum mechanics?
- Perhaps Trump is just testing his time machine and needs the diversion to avoid a catastrophic paradox. Who knew legal delays could help reconcile general relativity with quantum mechanics?
- Crossword Puzzles and Tea
- The attorneys involved could certainly use this time to catch up on their hobbies. Crossword puzzles, knitting, mastering the art of tea ceremonies – who says a civil investigation can’t be civil and relaxing?
- The attorneys involved could certainly use this time to catch up on their hobbies. Crossword puzzles, knitting, mastering the art of tea ceremonies – who says a civil investigation can’t be civil and relaxing?
The Hot Take
The fix? Easy – mandatory televised court proceedings narrated by sarcastic comedians to keep the public both informed and entertained. After all, transparency is best served with a side of satire. Each delay would have a corresponding charity event. Every time Trump asks for a pause, his team must host, say, an environmental fundraiser, televised for all to enjoy.
Now, the “justice delay” will not be seen as a disruption but as a nationwide act of altruism. And for those worried about further roadblocks, there’s always the option of societal point accumulation: every week the case doesn’t proceed, Trump must give a hefty donation to a cause he’s least likely to support. Watch as the case accelerates faster than the speed of a tweetstorm.
