Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
In a move as surprising as a snowball in Florida, 23 states decided they’ve had enough of this ‘fairness’ malarkey. They’ve banded together in a not-so-Avengers-league to request the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) turn a blind eye to environmental racism when regulating pollution.
This essentially means that these states are advocating for the ‘right’ to dump as much toxic waste as they want, wherever they want, regardless of who breathes the air or drinks the water there. It’s like deciding to only clean the rooms in your house that guests see. After all, who cares if the attic becomes a biohazard zone?
The Breakdown
- Environmental Equal Opportunity Employers
- Apparently, pollution is the newest addition to the equal opportunity program. Every community, regardless of race or economic status, deserves an equal chance to glow in the dark. Let’s start an initiative: ‘Pollution for All’. It’ll be like a reverse lottery, where everyone loses.
- Apparently, pollution is the newest addition to the equal opportunity program. Every community, regardless of race or economic status, deserves an equal chance to glow in the dark. Let’s start an initiative: ‘Pollution for All’. It’ll be like a reverse lottery, where everyone loses.
- Pollution Without Representation
- The cry from these states is clear: taxation without representation is tyranny, but pollution without representation is policy. Forget about getting a say in whether the air you breathe is akin to a chemical soup; let’s just hope you’ve got a functioning gas mask handy.
- The cry from these states is clear: taxation without representation is tyranny, but pollution without representation is policy. Forget about getting a say in whether the air you breathe is akin to a chemical soup; let’s just hope you’ve got a functioning gas mask handy.
- Colorblind Contaminants
- Pollutants are progressive, you see. They refuse to discriminate based on race or wealth, and these 23 states are adamant that regulators adopt a similar colorblind approach. It’s touching, really, how committed they are to the idea that everyone, rich or poor, should get their fair share of carcinogens.
- Pollutants are progressive, you see. They refuse to discriminate based on race or wealth, and these 23 states are adamant that regulators adopt a similar colorblind approach. It’s touching, really, how committed they are to the idea that everyone, rich or poor, should get their fair share of carcinogens.
- Selective Regulation Sensibilities
- It’s not that these states are against regulation per se – it’s just that they have a very selective palette. Think of it like choosing not to enforce speed limits for luxury cars because, well, they’re just too nice to restrict. Premium pollutants from premium places need premium freedom to spread cheer.
- It’s not that these states are against regulation per se – it’s just that they have a very selective palette. Think of it like choosing not to enforce speed limits for luxury cars because, well, they’re just too nice to restrict. Premium pollutants from premium places need premium freedom to spread cheer.
- The Upside of Toxicity
- Every cloud has a silver lining, even if it’s laced with lead. Industrial waste could be rebranded as ‘urban confetti’ and chemical run-off as ‘liquid assets’. If you squint enough, that brown smog on the horizon almost looks like a beautiful sunset, doesn’t it?
- Every cloud has a silver lining, even if it’s laced with lead. Industrial waste could be rebranded as ‘urban confetti’ and chemical run-off as ‘liquid assets’. If you squint enough, that brown smog on the horizon almost looks like a beautiful sunset, doesn’t it?
The Counter
- Jobs Over Lungs
- Who needs lungs when you have jobs, right? Breathing is overrated when there’s money to be made. More pollutants might mean a few less breaths, but think of all the employment opportunities in the gas mask industry!
- Who needs lungs when you have jobs, right? Breathing is overrated when there’s money to be made. More pollutants might mean a few less breaths, but think of all the employment opportunities in the gas mask industry!
- Going Green is So Last Year
- Honestly, ‘green’ is such a fad. These states are bringing back the ‘greys’ and ‘browns’ of unfiltered smokestack emissions with a vengeance. Remember, variety is the spice of life—and who doesn’t like a spiced-up atmosphere?
- Honestly, ‘green’ is such a fad. These states are bringing back the ‘greys’ and ‘browns’ of unfiltered smokestack emissions with a vengeance. Remember, variety is the spice of life—and who doesn’t like a spiced-up atmosphere?
- Community Building Through Disaster
- Shared calamities bring people together like nothing else. Forget community gardens; we’re pioneering community toxic spills. It’s not a disaster, it’s an unconventional icebreaker. “Hi, I noticed your skin’s glowing. Radiation neighbor?”
- Shared calamities bring people together like nothing else. Forget community gardens; we’re pioneering community toxic spills. It’s not a disaster, it’s an unconventional icebreaker. “Hi, I noticed your skin’s glowing. Radiation neighbor?”
- The Health Hype
- Health is such a subjective concept, isn’t it? We’re all about radical body acceptance. Accept your body, even if it’s full of heavy metals. In fact, let’s start a trend: #ToxicIsTheNewBlack.
- Health is such a subjective concept, isn’t it? We’re all about radical body acceptance. Accept your body, even if it’s full of heavy metals. In fact, let’s start a trend: #ToxicIsTheNewBlack.
- Activism Is Out, Acclimatization Is In
- Let’s not waste energy protesting pollution. Instead, we can cultivate a more robust citizenry through prolonged exposure to pollutants. Soon, we’ll evolve past the need to breathe clean air—natural selection at its finest.
- Let’s not waste energy protesting pollution. Instead, we can cultivate a more robust citizenry through prolonged exposure to pollutants. Soon, we’ll evolve past the need to breathe clean air—natural selection at its finest.
The Hot Take
If the foundation of your house is crumbling, you don’t just repaint the walls and hope nobody notices—you fix the darn foundation. Similarly, if you want to address environmental issues effectively, you can’t just cover them with euphemisms and expect the problem to solve itself. Here’s a hot take so scorching, it could clear the smog: how about we start holding polluters accountable and prioritize public health over profits?
Now, I know what you’re thinking: “But Lewis, where’s the joke?” The joke, my friends, is the preposterous notion that saving a few bucks now is more important than ensuring there’s a habitable planet later. Spoiler alert: your grandchildren won’t care about your bank balance if they’re too busy dealing with a Mad Max hellscape.
Perhaps we could weave environmental concerns so deeply into the fabric of our policies that ignoring them would be as ludicrous as wearing socks with sandals. We could look at green technology, not as a luxury but as a necessity. Instead of investing in industries that treat our planet like a disposable party cup, we could invest in solutions that won’t make our future look like a dystopian novel cover.
So breathe deep while you still can, and let’s push for change that doesn’t choke the life out of us—literally. After all, isn’t the ultimate liberal fantasy a world where we can sip artisanal coffee without a side of soot?
Source: 23 States Ask EPA Not to Consider Environmental Racism When Regulating Pollution
