Estimated reading time: 5 minutes
The Breakdown
In a theatrical display of political sidestepping that would put Fred Astaire to shame, Governor Kristi Noem recently treated us to a masterclass in the fine art of deflection over the ever-controversial topic of abortion.
Against the spotlight of pointed queries regarding exceptions in cases like rape and incest, Noem pirouetted with the grace of a gazelle being chased by a lion—except, in this analogy, the lion is just a pack of reporters with microphones.
- Dance Like No One’s Asking: When asked about her stance on abortion exceptions, Noem moved with the political elegance of a figure skater trying to avoid a patch of thin ice. It’s “complicated,” she says. As complicated as a kindergarten puzzle, maybe, if you’re missing half the pieces and the box instructions.
- Selectively Pro-Life: Highlighting the “protection of life” routine, Noem aimed to convince the audience that all lives are sacred, except, perhaps, for when those lives are asking uncomfortable questions.
- Answering A Question With Everything But The Answer: Noem’s responses were the rhetorical equivalent of responding to “What’s 2+2?” with an enthusiastic “I love math!”
- Selectively Pro-Life: Highlighting the “protection of life” routine, Noem aimed to convince the audience that all lives are sacred, except, perhaps, for when those lives are asking uncomfortable questions.
- The Great Deflector: Superman has nothing on Noem’s question-dodging abilities. She can deflect questions faster than a speeding bullet, and with an invisible shield that would make Wonder Woman envious.
- Avoidance Level: Expert: Noem deftly avoided concrete answers like a pro. If political dodgeball were an Olympic sport, she would surely be captain of the national team.
- Blame the Press: When in doubt, blame the media! It’s an age-old strategy that still pays dividends in the form of changing the topic to literally anything else.
- Avoidance Level: Expert: Noem deftly avoided concrete answers like a pro. If political dodgeball were an Olympic sport, she would surely be captain of the national team.
- Exceptions Are Exceptional: Noem treated exceptions to abortion laws like they were Bigfoot sightings—rumored to be out there, but nobody’s really seen them, have they?
- Mythical Policies: By skirting around firm answers, Noem positioned exceptions in abortion laws as more mystical than the lost city of Atlantis.
- Vague Is the New Black: Why bother with specifics when you can keep things as clear as mud? Vagueness is both the shield and the sword in the political duel.
- Mythical Policies: By skirting around firm answers, Noem positioned exceptions in abortion laws as more mystical than the lost city of Atlantis.
- A Politician’s Promise: Noem promises to keep working on it. That’s nice. Because we all know “I’ll keep working on it” has a track record of impressive results, just like my gym membership.
- Work in “Progress”: The progress here is as tangible as that new diet plan you’ve been “starting tomorrow” for the past month.
- The Political Workout: She’s flexing harder than a bodybuilder in a hall of mirrors, except the mirrors are our patience, and they’re starting to crack.
- Work in “Progress”: The progress here is as tangible as that new diet plan you’ve been “starting tomorrow” for the past month.
- The Fine Line of Legislating Morality: Noem walks the line of being pro-life and pro-women’s rights with the finesse of a tightrope walker wearing two left shoes.
- Balancing Act: Too bad it’s not an act that’ll win her any awards—or solve any actual problems, for that matter.
- Life on a Wire: Sure, it’s fun to watch someone balance precariously on a question, but eventually, we’d like to see some ground covered that isn’t made of rhetorical hot air.
- Balancing Act: Too bad it’s not an act that’ll win her any awards—or solve any actual problems, for that matter.
The Counter
Now, let’s pretend we live in a world where left is right, up is down, and politicians give straight answers:
- The Definition of “Is”: If there’s anything politicians excel at, it’s providing clear, concise definitions. Just like when Bill Clinton clarified the meaning of “is,” Noem elucidates her stances with similarly crystalline purity.
- Use the Force, Kristi: In this alternate reality, Noem has the transparency of a Jedi with a polygraph machine. She harnesses the Force to address issues head-on, no Sith-like deception insight.
- No Question Left Behind: It’s a world where every question gets a gold star for participation and a straight answer, not just a pat on the back and a change of subject.
- The Promise Land: “I’ll keep working on it” is the equivalent of “It shall be done,” complete with divine intervention and miraculous policymaking speed.
- Moral High Ground: Her tightrope act isn’t just for show; she actually delivers a clear message that satisfies everyone, achieving the legendary state of enlightened governance.
The Hot Take
In the smoldering cauldron that is the world of political abortion policy, Noem’s approach is like throwing in a water-soaked log—lots of smoke, not much fire. To actually kindle the flames of progress, we need to chop up the log of vagueness with the axe of specificity and toss it into a bonfire of definitive action.
There’s nothing quite like warm, crisp answers to provide the light we all need. And maybe, just maybe, we can roast the marshmallows of trust over the embers of transparency—creating a lovely little s’more of policy clarity that everyone can enjoy, regardless of political diet.
Source: Kristi Noem deflects questions on exceptions for abortion
