Estimated reading time: 3 minutes
In what could arguably be the greatest magic trick since David Copperfield made the Statue of Liberty disappear, former President Trump has managed to whittle his war chest down to a mere $6.8 million for legal fees. With his trial in full swing, it begs the question of whether he’s trying to set the Guinness World Record for ‘Least Prepared Billionaire in a Legal Kerfuffle.’
The Breakdown
- Pocket Change for Legal Rainy Days
It appears the man known for his gold-plated everything has found himself digging through the couch cushions for legal fee pennies. $6.8 million may sound hefty, but in the high-stakes poker game of courtroom brawls, Trump’s betting big with a hand full of Monopoly money. - The Art of the Legal Fund Deal
For someone who wrote “The Art of the Deal,” it’s quite the plot twist that his best financial strategy so far resembles an underfunded lemonade stand in the Sahara. Will he trade legal briefs for hotel stays at Trump Tower? - Riches to Rags: The Fiscal Fairy Tale
Once upon a time, a man boasted of his “tremendous” wealth. But in this chapter, he’s scraping together bail money by collecting cans on Pennsylvania Avenue. A billionaire? More like, a budget-illionaire. - Campaign Funds: More Like Campaign Funs
Most of us can’t use our work budget for personal shenanigans, yet Trump’s campaign cash has apparently been moonlighting as his legal slush fund. Ethics? That’s a place in Britain, right? - The Golden Parachute Won’t Open
It turns out, the golden parachute is less gold and more ‘please hold together while I free fall through this legal storm.’ Maybe this time what goes up does not have a Trump Tower to land in.
The Counter
- Who Needs Lawyers When You Have Twitter?
Perhaps Trump’s strategy is to take it to the people’s court of social media. After all, why spend millions on a defense when you can trial by tweet? - The DIY Defense
Trump’s been known to fancy himself a ‘stable genius.’ Maybe he’s planning on representing himself. Because nothing screams ‘innocent’ like cross-examining yourself. - Litigation Sale: Everything Must Go!
Add “former assets” to the yard sale list right next to the self-help books and the ‘best president’ trophies he made himself. Liquidate! For justice! - A Discount Double-Cross
Look out for exclusive Groupon deals for high-profile attorneys. “Buy one hour of legal defense, and get a second one at equal or lesser value.” - Unpresidential Patreon
Could we see a shift to crowd-sourced litigation? I’d be down to donate if every contribution came with a “I financed Trump’s Defense and all I got was this lousy t-shirt” shirt.
The Hot Take
To fix this kind of egregious cash crunch, one might suggest a radical idea like—oh, I don’t know— not getting into legal trouble so often it becomes a line item in your budget bigger than your country club dues?
But hey, if the litigation fits, wear it. Maybe the true liberal approach is to let the invisible hand of free-market justice wave a sarcastic goodbye as it pockets your last campaign dime. In the end, Trump might just end up being that cautionary tale: the billionaire who cried ‘witch hunt’ once too often and had to set up a GoFundMe for witch repellent.
Source: Trump Has Only $6.8 Million for Legal Fees With Trial Underway
