Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
As if handpicked from a season of Game of Thrones, we are delighted with another episode of “Who Didn’t Kill Who This Time” starring none other than Vladimir Putin and his estranged, poison-ducking frenemy, Alexei Navalny.
Politico reports, apparently, US intelligence agencies have now stitched together enough whispers to say that Putin ‘likely’ didn’t order the death of Navalny back in February. Well, color me not shocked. Because, really, in what world would Putin have a vested interest in offing the only guy making his authoritarian regime look like an episode of “Veep”?
The Breakdown
- “Likely” is the new “Maybe”
- Who knew international espionage had shades? Apparently, “likely” is the cold brew of CIA linguistics—strong enough to wake you up, yet diluted enough to not keep you up at night. This nugget of certainty means we get to look forward to more heart-pounding non-confirmations and diplomatic shrugs.
- Who knew international espionage had shades? Apparently, “likely” is the cold brew of CIA linguistics—strong enough to wake you up, yet diluted enough to not keep you up at night. This nugget of certainty means we get to look forward to more heart-pounding non-confirmations and diplomatic shrugs.
- Poison: The Preferred Method of Not Killing People
- Novichok: for when you really want to send the message, “I could kill you… but I won’t!” Let’s just say, if Putin were behind it, wouldn’t he opt for something less traceable? You know, like a freak bobsled accident?
- Novichok: for when you really want to send the message, “I could kill you… but I won’t!” Let’s just say, if Putin were behind it, wouldn’t he opt for something less traceable? You know, like a freak bobsled accident?
- Add a Dash of Denial
- It’s not a true political scandal without a staunch denial! And the Kremlin delivers it like a Michelin star chef—beautifully plated and completely indigestible. What’s better? It leaves you wanting more, because you’re sure as hell still hungry for the truth.
- It’s not a true political scandal without a staunch denial! And the Kremlin delivers it like a Michelin star chef—beautifully plated and completely indigestible. What’s better? It leaves you wanting more, because you’re sure as hell still hungry for the truth.
- The Spy Who Loved Me (Not Really)
- Navalny is just a pawn in the grand chess game of Russian politics. Or is that spy chess? Either way, it’s hard not to see him as the ex you keep saying you’re over, but can’t stop drunk dialing on weekends.
- Navalny is just a pawn in the grand chess game of Russian politics. Or is that spy chess? Either way, it’s hard not to see him as the ex you keep saying you’re over, but can’t stop drunk dialing on weekends.
- Memory Lane of Failed Assassinations
- This is probably not the first or last rodeo for Navalny. Being an opposition leader in Russia is like having a membership card for the world’s least lucky lottery. Better luck next time?
- This is probably not the first or last rodeo for Navalny. Being an opposition leader in Russia is like having a membership card for the world’s least lucky lottery. Better luck next time?
The Counter
- Maybe Putin Is Just Misunderstood
- Yeah, and my dog ate my homework. Plot twist: Putin’s really a softie who rescues kittens and secretly watches “This Is Us.” Maybe his orders got lost in translation?
- Yeah, and my dog ate my homework. Plot twist: Putin’s really a softie who rescues kittens and secretly watches “This Is Us.” Maybe his orders got lost in translation?
- It’s Organic Poison, Thus Less Harmful
- Novichok, now available in non-GMO, farm-to-table versions! It’s not poison; it’s an artisanal coma inducer.
- Novichok, now available in non-GMO, farm-to-table versions! It’s not poison; it’s an artisanal coma inducer.
- Denials Are Just Alternative Confirmations
- When they say no, they mean yes. In a fun twist, Putin’s denying it so hard, he’s practically confirming it. Reverse psychology, or just regular psychology?
- When they say no, they mean yes. In a fun twist, Putin’s denying it so hard, he’s practically confirming it. Reverse psychology, or just regular psychology?
- Navalny Loves the Attention
- Can we blame him? In Russia, getting poisoned is like getting a blue check mark on Twitter. You haven’t made it until someone’s tried to kill you—twice.
- Can we blame him? In Russia, getting poisoned is like getting a blue check mark on Twitter. You haven’t made it until someone’s tried to kill you—twice.
- Failed Assassinations Are Just Practice Runs
- They’re not bugs; they’re features! The Kremlin’s just beta testing different survival scenarios. It’s quality assurance!
- They’re not bugs; they’re features! The Kremlin’s just beta testing different survival scenarios. It’s quality assurance!
The Hot Take
Let’s all grab our reusable, eco-friendly popcorn containers and settle in for another doozy of a round in Putin’s not-so-mystery theater. But while we’re chuckling from the comfort of our democratic sofas, let’s not forget the snack isn’t just butter—it’s dripping with irony.
The liberal fix? How about starting with transparency that’s clearer than vodka? Throw in some accountability cocktails, garnish with international sanctions, and you’ve got yourself a geopolitical party! Oh, and maybe, just maybe, try not electing leaders who have a penchant for poison. Just a thought!
And there you have it. Just another day in the wonderfully wacky world of Russian politics, where ‘likely’ means absolutely nothing and everything at the same time.
Source: Putin ‘likely’ didn’t order Navalny’s death in February, US agencies believe: WSJ
