Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
You know, sometimes I think the world would be a better place if billionaires just stuck to buying yachts or creating rockets that inevitably end up looking more phallic than the last. But no, they’ve got to mess with politics too!
And here we are, witnessing the great spectacle of the oil and gas billionaires, lining up to throw their loose change—a very liberal definition of loose change—into what they probably consider just another high-risk investment: political campaigns.
The latest beneficiary? Good old Donald Trump. Because who needs renewable energy when you can have old school, earth-crumbling, climate-destroying fuel sources, right? They’re about as outdated as my first stand-up gig, but apparently, still a hit with the nostalgia crowd.
Let’s break down this madness.
First, picture this: a fancy gala, where everyone’s who’s who in the oil and gas industry rubs shoulders, and not just because they’re trying to share the last bit of caviar. No, they’re here with a purpose. A purpose fueled by, well, fuel. And money. Lots of money. Imagine the laughter as they sip their presumably very expensive Scotch, talking about the good old days of unregulated pollution. Ah, nostalgia!
“We need to support Trump!” one of them declares, slamming his glass down with the kind of force that suggests he’s used to exterminating anything that stands in his way, including common sense. Why? Because folks, why settle for a sustainable planet when you can have short-term profits and long-term disasters? It’s the billion-dollar question—quite literally!
And it’s not just about having enough money to make a dragon in a Tolkien novel blush; it’s what you do with that money. These folks aren’t funding community gardens or putting solar panels on every roof in America. Nope. They’re entirely about boosting Mr. Trump’s campaign because, apparently, that’s the kind of disaster relief they’re into.
Some might say, “But Lewis, they’re just exercising their democratic right!” Oh sure, and I’m the Sultan of Brunei on weekends. Let’s be clear: when your ‘democratic right’ involves throwing obscene amounts of money into a system just to ensure it spits out laws favorable to your apocalyptically destructive industry, democracy starts to sound like something you once read about in a high school textbook, but can’t quite remember because it was just too damn boring.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I love democracy. I love it like I love my coffee in the morning – a lot. But what I don’t love is when it gets filtered through the thick, sludgy residue of oil money. It leaves a taste in your mouth worse than a burnt espresso.
Of course, the oil tycoons argue that supporting Trump is about protecting jobs. Because everyone knows the best way to protect jobs is to completely ignore the booming renewable energy sector and cling desperately to industries that scientists—if you remember those folks who base their life’s work on facts and not dollar bills—say are contributing to turning this planet into the next best thing since Venus, temperature-wise.
Listen, I get it. Change is scary. I’m scared of changing my brand of cereal in the morning. But at some point, we’ve got to look in the mirror, preferably not surrounded by a haze of smog, and say, “Maybe, just maybe, investing in the same old dirty fuels isn’t as smart as my third-grade hamster running on its wheel.”
So, as these billionaires pave their golden road to the White House, maybe it’s time for the rest of us to ask: “Are we really okay with this?” Because if we are, then I’m afraid we might just get exactly what we pay for. And in this case, we’re not the ones writing the checks.
