Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
You know, in the hyper-stimulating world of politics where every tweet is a potential wildfire and every slip-up is memed into oblivion, you’d think the grand poobah of American politics, President Joe Biden, would soar on the winds of grassroots support like an eagle at a jet stream rave party. But alas, here we are, parsing through data and it turns out Biden’s grassroots fundraising efforts are more like a toddler on a sugar crash than anything resembling those majestic national birds.
I mean, come on! This isn’t just a matter of a few pennies missing from the piggy bank; we’re talking about the big bucks needed to grease the grand wheels of the 2024 election machine. And where is it? Still stuck somewhere between wishful thinking and “I’ll get to that tomorrow” land.
Let’s paint a picture here – here’s Joe, ambling down the campaign trail, hats in hand, and what does he find? Well, not a lot of hands tossing hats into the ring. His fundraising efforts are creeping along like a snail with arthritis. And why? Because maybe, just maybe, Democratic wallets are zipping up tighter than my uncle’s jeans after Thanksgiving dinner.
Now, here’s the kicker: these grassroots campaigns are usually fueled by the sheer fiery passion of the people, powered by individuals who dig into their couch cushions and donate whatever lint-covered coins they can muster. But Joe, oh dear Joe, it seems his grassroots supporters might still be out there, scattered, perhaps napping, waiting for a sign, or maybe just a slightly more exciting email that doesn’t sound like it was written by an intern on their first cup of coffee.
And what do we do when the stakes are this high and the wallet snaps shut? We crack jokes, because if we didn’t, we’d cry, and my makeup is too expensive to ruin. Biden’s team probably gathered around the table, each of them staring down at their smartphones, thinking, “Do we have enough to buy a cup of coffee?”
It’s not all doom and gloom though. There’s a silver lining here because at least the grassroots movement isn’t burdened by overachievement. They don’t have to worry about those troublesome expectations or the daunting task of counting too much money. No, sir! They can enjoy the freedom of low bars and the sweet caffeinated comfort of endless strategy meetings that start with, “So, how do we actually do this?”
Imagine, just for a second, the Democratic Party as that one kid who brings a knife to a gunfight but forgets the knife. That’s the level of preparedness we’re hitting as we sprint, in slow motion, towards 2024.
Maybe it’s the approach? Perhaps Joe’s emails should stop sounding like a bad breakup text and more like an adventure novel. Maybe throw in a dragon here or there or at least a promise of a plot twist. Help Joe slay the metaphorical dragon of campaign finance, or something equally ridiculous. At least make the subject line interesting enough that it doesn’t instantly scream, “Direct to spam folder.”
And for all the donors who’ve jumped ship to more exciting, perhaps even more coherent pastures, we say this: Come back. Joe promises he’ll be more interesting. He might even learn to juggle or sing, or sing while juggling – whatever gets that grassroots money flowing like my aunt Nancy’s box wine at a family reunion.
In conclusion, Joe Biden’s grassroots fundraising campaign might be off to a sluggish start, a bit like trying to start a lawnmower with old gas. It sputters, it coughs, it might even shoot out a pathetic little flame, but it’s not running yet. So, throw in your two cents (literally, because every little bit helps), gather round, and let’s see if we can’t turn this financial fender-bender into a high-octane race to the White House.
