Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
Alright, folks, sit down. It’s time we had a serious talk—well, as serious as one can be while discussing the latest entry in the absurdist tragicomedy that is American politics. That’s right, Joe Exotic, the Tiger King himself, has announced his stance on some of the country’s most hot-button issues. It’s like we’re living in a reality show and somebody forgot to write the script, leaving us with a bunch of improv actors who barely passed their high school drama class.
So, Joe Exotic, the man who gave us a glimpse into the bizarre world of big cat ownership and meth-fueled illegal wildlife parks, decided he’s an authority on abortion, guns, and LGBTQ rights. If this doesn’t scream 2024, I don’t know what does.
First off, abortion. Joe Exotic is here to save the day, only we didn’t ask him to and we definitely didn’t send out the bat-signal for his input. He’s anti-abortion because, of course, the man who ran a zoo like a medieval carnival is deeply invested in the moral ramifications of a woman’s right to choose. The hypocrisy is stunning. It’s like a serial jaywalker giving a TED talk on traffic safety.
But wait, there’s more—guns. Joe Exotic says everyone should have as many guns as they want. Because nothing screams freedom like handing out firearms like they’re party favors at a five-year-old’s birthday bash. You get a gun, and you get a gun! Let’s arm all the walruses at SeaWorld while we’re at it. I mean, if we’re going down this path of crazy, let’s just ride it all the way to bat-guano-ville.
Then there’s the LGBTQ community. He’s apparently a staunch supporter, which is about as surprising as finding pickles in a pickle jar. But here’s the catch: Being an out-and-proud member of the LGBTQ community while simultaneously being violently anti-government and longing for the days when America was great (read: less gay) is a contradiction only Joe Exotic could navigate. It’s like trying to play frisbee with a boomerang. It just doesn’t work unless you enjoy getting smacked in the face.
So, here’s the real question, America: Why are we even listening to this guy? I mean, if you’re looking for political insights, maybe turn to someone who didn’t run a zoo like the love child of Willy Wonka and Charles Manson. It’s just a thought. We’re a country of 331 million people. Surely, there’s someone more qualified to discuss pressing social issues than a dude whose entire campaign slogan might as well be Watch my Netflix documentary and then tell me what you think.
And let’s not forget that Joe Exotic is running from prison. From prison. Imagine his campaign rallies; do they pass out orange jumpsuits at the door for solidarity? Do potential voters have to submit to cavity searches? Maybe the campaign slogan could be “Vote for Joe—because our system is already a joke.”
Let’s not forget Trump and Biden. Just when you thought we couldn’t scrape the bottom of the barrel any further, here comes Joe Exotic with a shovel, digging a hole so deep we might just find the plot of our sanity on the other side of the globe.
Trump is probably scratching his head, wondering who signed him up for this reality. He’s the host who lost control of the studio audience. Meanwhile, Biden is just trying to stay awake during the debates. “Did someone say tigers? I loved The Jungle Book!”
Finally, let’s just address the elephant, or should I say tiger in the room. Joe’s candidacy is not just an indictment of our political system; it’s a flashing neon sign that says “We’re out of ideas.” We’ve gone from “Hope and Change” to “Yes We Can” to “I can’t believe this is happening.”
So here’s my unsolicited advice: If Joe Exotic seriously thinks he has the moral authority to weigh in on the issues of our time, well then maybe I should be in charge of customer service for the DMV. Sure, it’s a complete mismatch, but after all, who needs experience when you have a tiger in your backyard and a mullet on your head?
In Conclusion: If a man who managed to turn exotic animal ownership into a felony can run for president, there is officially no job in America you are not qualified for. The door is open, the bar is on the floor, and the cage is, thankfully, locked.
Source: Presidential Candidate Joe Exotic Reveals Stance on Abortion, Guns, LGBTQ
