Does This Tank Make Me Look Peaceful? Europe’s Search for Army Avant-Garde

Estimated reading time: 4 minutes

Source: If Europe wants to defend itself, it must build armies that people want to join | Cas Mudde

The Details

So Europe has suddenly realized that if it wants to have armies – you know, those big groups of people with uniforms and guns – it might actually need to get people to want to join them. Revolutionary, right?

Yep, that’s the brainwave they had, because apparently until now, European armies have been running on the fumes of America’s military apron strings. But with the US having its own reality TV show to run – and I don’t mean “Keeping Up with the Kardashians” – Europe’s leaders are wiping the cold sweat of realization from their foreheads. Talk about a late wake-up call!

The Breakdown

1. Recruitment Posters Are Outdated
   • Apparently, the whole “Join us, we have cool tanks!” spiel isn’t charming the youth of today. Who would’ve thought that health insurance, a living wage, and maybe not being shot at were higher on millennials’ wishlists than a chance to play real-life Call of Duty?
2. Europe’s Defence Spending – More Like Pocket Change
   • So Europe has been skimping on the defense euros, hoping good vibes and scented candles would ward off conflict. Suddenly, they’re shocked that a lack of investment in their military isn’t selling tickets to the “Join the Army” train.
3. A Reluctance to Flex Muscles
   • Without a heavy lifter like the US fronting the schoolyard brawls, Europe’s gotta bulk up. But instead of hitting the weights, it’s been sipping skinny lattes, hoping conflict passes it by like a gym membership flyer.
4. The Call of Duty for the Common Good
   • There’s this quaint idea floating around that maybe – just maybe – people would be more eager to serve if the army focused on things like, oh, I don’t know… peacekeeping and disaster relief? Noble, yes, but it seems a tad ambitious for groups better known for their parade marches.
5. The Downside of Democracy
   • Democracies, bless them, have this pesky habit of wanting to avoid wars. It’s endearing but apparently doesn’t instill that gung-ho spirit needed to build a magnificent, all-volunteer, do-gooding army.

The Counter

1. Tank Selfies Will Make a Comeback
   • Let’s not discount the appeal of heavy artillery on social media. One good tank selfie is worth a thousand recruitment flyers, right? Get the filters ready, ’cause nothing says “I fight for freedom” like dog ears and a snout.
2. Budget Shmudget
   • Who needs a monster military budget when you’ve got the moral high ground and a killer espresso machine? Ignore the sound of rattling sabers; it’s probably just loose change in those empty coffers.
3. Muscle Schmuscle
   • Pffft, muscles are overrated. Europe can keep playing it coy, fluttering its diplomatic eyelashes instead of building intimidating biceps. It’s worked so far, kind of… I mean, we’re not speaking [insert latest threat here]-ese yet, are we?
4. Volunteer for Cookies
   • Maybe they could try luring recruits with promises of homemade baked goods? “Sign up today, get a dozen cookies free!” Nothing says “I’m here to serve and protect” like doing it for a snickerdoodle.
5. War, What is it Good For?
   • Obviously, very little. So why not double down on that aversion to conflict and turn the army into a giant international help desk. “Thank you for calling the European Army, how may we peacekeep you today?”

The Hot Take

Now, if you want to attract the avocado toast generation to your military ranks, you’ve got to play the long game. Start by wiring the barracks for super-fast WiFi and offering mindfulness meditation between drills.

Give soldiers credit for civil service – like planting community gardens or teaching kids how to code. And for heaven’s sake, replace those drills with eco-friendly military exercises. Who needs a tank when you’ve got a solar-powered drone that doubles as a food truck on the weekends?

Let’s be real, turning a military machine into a beacon of progressive values probably won’t happen overnight. But hey, if you want to defend the free world, you might as well do it with style and a clear conscience, right? And at the very least, if Europe’s going to throw a defense party, it should at least make sure the punch isn’t spiked with existential dread.