Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
Source: Corporate greed increasingly seen as ‘major cause’ of inflation: Poll
The Details
In an absolutely shocking turn of events that nobody could have possibly predicted, it turns out that corporate greed—yes, you read that right—might just be a “major cause” of inflation. The people have spoken, and by “people,” I mean those folks who respond to polls with the same enthusiasm I reserve for a root canal. We’re talking about a poll result so surprising that it threatens to replace “unexpected item in bagging area” as the most irritatingly obvious phrase of the decade.
The Breakdown
- Corporate Bigwigs Discovered to Love Money More Than Puppies
It seems corporate executives may have a slight affection for profits. And when I say, “slight,” I mean the kind of affection Romeo had for Juliet, or I have for a good single malt. This astonishing love affair with cash inflow might just, maybe, it’s a long shot, be contributing to your empty wallet situation. - Costs Rise Faster Than My Blood Pressure During Election Season
It’s not just your imagination or the fact that you decided to live on a diet of artisanal cheese. Costs are actually rising faster than a politician’s promises before an election. Apparently, companies have been known to pass on the joy of increased costs straight to the consumers! Generosity has apparently been redefined. - “Supply Chains” Now Code for “Hold On to Your Wallets”
If you hear a CEO talk about ‘supply chain issues,’ it’s code for “we’re about to hike up prices like it’s a leisurely Sunday walk up Mount Everest.” Be prepared to pay more for your eggs than you do for your Netflix subscription. - Stock Buybacks – Because Who Needs Affordable Products?
While you’re out there clipping coupons like you’re preparing for a scrapbooking competition, companies are busy buying back their own stocks. Yes, rather than lowering prices, they prefer to give their stock value an artificial suntan. - CEOs Plead Poverty While Swimming in Money Like Scrooge McDuck
The modern CEO dresses up increasing prices in more excuses than a teenager failing algebra. If you listen to earnings calls, you’d think these corporations were just two pennies away from holding a garage sale.
The Counter
- Profits are So Passé
Profits? How dare corporations make those! Next, you’re going to tell me they’re actually trying to run a business. Mere pocket change this, “exponential growth” that. It’s just a fad, kids. - It’s All a Misunderstanding!
Clearly, consumers are just misunderstanding these noble corporate gestures. When your grocery bill doubles, ‘tis but a sign of endearment from your favorite conglomerates. - Inflation is Just Being Sociable
Inflation’s like the guest at your party who doesn’t understand social cues. It keeps mingling even after all the chips are gone and everyone else has left. - Greed is Such a Strong Word
“Greed” is such an inflammatory word. These companies prefer “strategic fiscal enhancement techniques.” Rolls right off the tongue, doesn’t it? - Supply and Demand is a Myth
The age-old economic principle of supply and demand? Total myth. Prices increase purely by the whim of a magic 8-ball in the CEO’s top drawer.
The Hot Take
Well, folks, if you want the hot take with a side of common sense, served with a sprinkling of liberal justice, here it is: Let’s put a little less emphasis on shareholder value and a wee bit more on, I don’t know, actual human beings? Perhaps we could use that otherworldly concept of taxing the ever-loving profit out of mega-corporations and funneling it back into the economy? Schools, healthcare, green energy—crazy, I know! And maybe, just maybe, we should tie executive bonuses not to stock prices but to how well they can juggle chainsaws. Because let’s face it, both have about the same impact on improving the world as their current bonus structure.
