Estimated reading time: 5 minutes

The Details

In a true spectacle of irony so thick you could cut it with the Constitution, South Carolina has once again donned its shining armor of morality, only to realize it’s actually just a cheap Halloween costume. Here’s a woman, with the genuine naivety that comes from believing in rights she thought were bygone issues, denied an abortion in the not-so-charming-any-more state. This isn’t just any made-for-TV drama, folks; it’s real life taking a swing at satire and missing by a mile.

The article in question, “Something needs to change.” Woman denied abortion in South Carolina challenges ban, drips with the kind of Kafkaesque logic only state legislators seem capable of. It paints a picture of the American dream turned American scream, where personal tragedies are met with political brick walls.

The Breakdown

• We’re all for life, especially when it comes to making a woman’s life ludicrously difficult.
  South Carolina’s fierce determination to safeguard the unborn is heartwarming, if only it wasn’t served with a cold side of disregard for the women bearing those unborn. It’s as if the right to life ends at birth, and then hey, you’re on your own, kiddo.
• The Founding Fathers are just thrilled in their graves right now.
  I’m sure the revolutionary notion of being ‘created equal’ was totally meant to include forced birth. It’s just that life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness are now to be doled out based on which reproductive organs you happen to possess.
• “Due process?” More like, “screw process,” am I right?
  Move over, legal system, there’s a new sheriff in town, and it apparently skipped law school to deal with reproductive rights through a megaphone and a gavel made from cherry-picked morality.
• It’s not a ban, it’s an “alternative health care plan”.
  South Carolina empowers its women by limiting choices—less is more, right? By this logic, my next diet will involve moving next door to a bakery and taking up the empowering act of smelling bread I’ll never eat.
• A fresh take on old classics: “Bodily Autonomy, and other fairy tales”.
  It’s innovative, really, rewriting classic tales for the modern era. Cinderella’s glass slipper is now a GPS ankle bracelet, and Rapunzel is locked in her tower because it’s for her own good—the wolf said so.

The Counter

• Freedom of choice is overrated anyway.
  Like choosing between 50 different types of toothpaste in the supermarket aisle only to go home with baking soda because Aunt Irma swears by it. The government is the new Aunt Irma — just with less baking and more adjudicating on uteruses.
• Nothing screams American freedom like a little government-mandated childbearing.
  Give me liberty or give me… another baby? The Statue of Liberty might as well swap her torch for a baby monitor and her tablet for a copy of What to Expect When the Legislature’s Expecting For You.
• Federalism is so 1787—State mandates are the trendy new dystopia.
  Everyone loves local produce, so why not local laws on personal matters? Farm to table and politician to bedroom, it’s the circle of strife.
• Let’s face it: Men would be better at this whole pregnancy thing anyway.
  It’s a natural conclusion. After all, the legislative expertise on female reproductive systems seems exclusively male-dominated. It’s like getting fish to teach birds how to fly—it’s all going swimmingly until someone hits the ground.
• If ignorance is bliss, this law is a one-way ticket to Nirvana.
  Why snack on the fruit of knowledge when a feast of blissful unawareness is being served by people with power suits and power plays? Delicious, if you’ve got the stomach for it.

The Hot Take

If we’re going for broke on who can be the most out of touch with reality, this state’s legislature is the clear frontrunner. See, in a world where you can breach digital privacy with a click, somehow, a woman’s body is still considered public domain—like a rest stop on the interstate of patriarchy.

What Sarcasti-Lewis suggests is a radical, comedic approach to fixing the problem: How about we transfer the decision-making power from those whose expertise on women’s health comes exclusively from their high school health class, and give it back to, oh I don’t know, the actual women? And as a comedic bonus, let’s make every legislator who votes for an abortion ban take an empathy test that involves wearing a sympathy belly for nine months. Only then they can truly make an informed decision.

And if all else fails, I propose we redistribute the legislative power to a panel of comedians. Logic is already out the window; we might as well get a laugh as society collapses under nonsensical laws. Remember: If you can’t join ’em, mock ’em.

Source: ‘Something needs to change.’ Woman denied abortion in South Carolina challenges ban