Estimated reading time: 5 minutes
The Details
In the latest episode of ‘Democracy’s Bizarre Adventures,’ a judge has thrown out a lawsuit from a man who, let’s just say, wasn’t a card-carrying member of the ACLU. He’s part of al Qaeda, and someone at the CIA apparently thought a bit of waterboarding would make for a great get-to-know-you session.
Now, keep in mind this lawsuit wasn’t cashing in on frequent flyer miles; it was trying to take legal action against two psychologists who designed the CIA’s waterboarding program. But alas, the justice system, in all its infinite wisdom, decided to play the ‘state secrets’ card and sent the case sinking faster than a lead lifejacket.
The Breakdown
- The Splash of Torture Tourism: Talk about a wet welcome. Our plaintiff was treated to some exclusive waterboarding, courtesy of the CIA’s extreme hospitality package. But when he tried to sue the creators of this ‘soak and tell’ experience, the court must’ve thought it was all water under the bridge.
- Here’s the rinse cycle of irony—someone participating in a terrorist organization is knocking on the courthouse doors for a bit of legal TLC. If irony were currency, we’d all be millionaires.
- The ‘Top Secret’ Tape Over the Mouthpiece: When it comes to ‘state secrets’, nothing shuts down a lawsuit faster than a classified stamp. The government pulled this rabbit out of a hat, and poof! The case is out faster than a toupee in a hurricane.
- It’s like asking Voldemort about his childhood, and he slams a book on your fingers, labeled ‘For Your Eyes Never’.
- The Designers of Drowning Dry Land: Of course, it’s always the little guys who get the spotlight in lawsuits. Cue the two psychologists without a stitch of military experience, who somehow became the Da Vincis of simulated drownings.
- And here’s the kicker: they were handsomely paid! Who knew that designing torture techniques was such a lucrative side hustle?
- The Poolside Politics of Procedure: Now, our al Qaeda friend’s argument is that he was subject to ‘enhanced interrogation techniques’ that broke some serious law. But the court played the classic game of ‘procedural hoopla’ to dodge that moral cannonball.
- It’s like telling someone they can’t return a blender because they didn’t fill out the warranty card. Except, the blender is human rights, and the warranty card is apparently non-existent.
- The Legalese Lifejacket that Doesn’t Float: Let’s face it, trying to tackle the CIA on legal grounds is like trying to eat soup with chopsticks. Even with attorneys going at it hammer and tongs, the ‘state secrets’ privilege is the trump card that keeps on giving.
- It’s the lawsuit equivalent of trying to nail jelly to a wall—amusing to watch but ultimately a sticky mess.
The Counter
- The Gag Gift of Government Transparency: Oh, you thought transparency in government actions was a thing? How adorable. Turns out, as long as you label something ‘top secret’, it’s the perfect muzzle for pesky lawsuits about, say, human rights.
- It’s a ‘Get Out of Jail Free’ card they never have to turn in.
- The Human Rights Ha-Ha: Really, if you’re part of a terrorist organization, you must have waived all those pesky rights, right? Because it’s not like human rights are universal or something silly like that.
- It’s like showing up to play baseball and someone says you don’t get a bat because you’re wearing the wrong socks.
- The Funds of Fun and Fear: We can all appreciate the fiscal genius it takes to pocket millions for creating interrogation methods that make waterboarding look like spa treatments.
- They say crime doesn’t pay, but apparently ‘counter-terrorism’ has a hell of a benefits package.
- The Judges on Jokes of Justice: In the great comedy club of the judiciary, throwing out lawsuits due to ‘procedural issues’ is the oldest gag in the book. It’s like saying, ‘I’d love to help you, but oh dear, look at the time…’
- It’s the judicial system’s equivalent of pretending to laugh at a bad joke to not hurt someone’s feelings.
- The Slippery Slope of Secretive Slops: When in doubt, slap on a ‘state secrets’ label, and suddenly, it’s as if the lawsuit fell into a memory hole. We wouldn’t know if it’s unfair because, well, it’s a secret.
- It’s the legal version of a dad joke. Everyone sees it coming, no one’s laughing, but it gets used every time.
The Hot Take
So how do we solve these lab-created monstrosities of justice? Well, start by actually treating all those fancy terms like ‘human rights’ and ‘due process’ as more than just after-dinner mints. Transparency should be more than just a word we throw around during election debates, and accountability should apply to everyone, not just those who can’t afford a ‘state secrets’ stamp on their foreheads. Maybe, just maybe, we can dry off from this water torture drama with our humor (and humanity) intact.
Source: Judge tosses al Qaeda operative’s lawsuit against CIA waterboarding contractors
