Estimated reading time: 5 minutes
Source: Joe Biden Steps Up Attack on Supreme Court
The Details
In a move as shocking as finding out your pumpkin spice latte contains real pumpkin, President Joe Biden has taken off his kid gloves, presumably because they had ice cream stains on them, and has started to throw jabs at the Supreme Court with the fervor of a geriatric Rocky Balboa. The big stir? It’s about that delicate issue of Roe v. Wade – you know, the one that’s been around for so long most people thought it was on the constitutional menu. But alas, much like the McRib, it’s come back to haunt us in a recurring spectacle of political tug-of-war.
The new spark in the old man’s eyes seems to be fueled by concerns that the current Supreme Court justices are more interested in playing kickball with precedents than actually upholding them. With this thrilling new episode of Legal Grounds, Biden both chastises and throws word darts toward the judicial branch’s dive into what he believes is a swimming pool without water – or rights, for that matter.
The Breakdown
- They Thought It Was A Lifetime Appointment, Not a Lifeline to The Dark Ages
Ever heard of justices wanting to send us back into the clutches of Ye Olde England? The Supreme Court might as well be wearing powdered wigs as they ponder over whether women have autonomy over their bodies. Biden seems pretty adamant that the Constitution doesn’t say, “Thou shalt not let women decide for themselves.” - Justice Isn’t Blind, It’s Just Wearing a Very Thick Pair of Partisan Spectacles
The president suggests the Court has thrown out its non-partisan glasses and grabbed a pair that can only see red. Biden is all but serenading the justices with a rendition of “Can You See Clearly Now” as he critiques their blurred vision when it comes to interpreting the Constitution. - Surprise! The Bench Can Bench-Press Women’s Rights
Could it be that the Supreme Court has been hitting the gym, prepping to flex their muscles on reproductive rights? Biden, in his newfound role as judiciary fitness critic, doesn’t seem impressed by their workout routine. He’s ready to call out any heavyweight champion who tries to squat away a half-century precedent. - The Constitution – Now With Alternative Facts!
Alternative facts aren’t just for press briefings anymore! It seems like they’ve made their way into the chambers of the highest court. Biden is practically a commentator at a Constitution reality show, calling out the justices for their creative interpretations of what’s written in that famous document. - Every Good Plot Twist Needs a Villain
Enter: The Supreme Court. Seems like Biden’s painted the justices as the primary antagonists in the new American courtroom drama, “How to Dismantle an Established Right.” It’s got all the twists and turns of a telenovela, just with more subpoenas and less attractive cast.
The Counter
- Lifelong Tenure or Just Miss the Invention of the Hashtag?
Maybe the justices are just nostalgic for the good ol’ days when women were women, men were men, and everyone’s opinions were written with a quill. Modernity is overrated anyway, right? Who needs decades of social progress when you can just hit CTRL+Z? - Political Party Colors are the New Black (Robes)
If the Supreme Court justices start strutting down to the bench in robes adorned with elephants or donkeys, don’t say you weren’t warned. Biden seems to think the Court’s fashion sense could use a splash of impartial grey. - Judicial Workouts: Resistance Training Against Progress
The Supreme Court’s exercise routine includes resistance bands specially designed to pull back societal advances. Biden’s taking the role of that gym buddy who says, “Maybe skip the weights today, hmm?” - The Constitution: A Bestseller Open to Interpretation
Just when you thought the Constitution was the ultimate legal scripture, it turns out it’s more like a ‘Choose Your Own Adventure’ book, depending on who’s wearing the robe. Biden’s just the latest critic to leave a scathing review. - Dramatic Courtroom Plots Require No Logic
The storyline involving the Supreme Court—according to its latest critic, Joe—needs some serious rewrites. But hey, who watches court dramas for sensibility and accuracy anyway?
The Hot Take
If we’re to address this performance art piece that’s doubling as a functional judicial system, we need to have a proper sit-down. First, let’s hire a mediator. Maybe Oprah? Next, we rewrite the script with a modern pen, introduce a few spin-offs championing autonomy, and enforce the idea that rights aren’t just trends that go in and out of style like low-rise jeans. Lastly, let justice wear a blindfold once more because judging by Biden’s review, those spectacles are last season.
It’s time to match the prestige of Supreme Court decisions with the weight of their impact on real lives – no more reading between the lines when it comes to fundamental rights. Perhaps we could get them an updated copy of the Constitution; the current one seems to have too many invisible ink footnotes.
