Drawing the Line: New York Plays Connect the Democrats

Estimated reading time: 4 minutes

The Details

Oh, the joys of political cartography—the art of drawing lines that determine our fates more than the zodiac ever could. New York’s lawmakers, armed with their rulers and seemingly infinite wisdom, have sanctioned a new congressional map that tickles the fancy of our Democratic pals, giving them a teensy-weensy advantage.

Heaven knows the scales needed a bit more balance—or imbalance, depending on how you squint at the situation. This masterstroke guarantees a treasure hunt across the state, where X marks the spot for likely Democratic wins while Republicans play hot potato with the leftovers.

The Breakdown

1. A Perfectly Balanced, As All Things Should Be—Map Edition:
   • Picture Picasso in a power suit, but instead of a canvas, you’ve got a map of New York. Each stroke of the legislative brush (let’s be real, it’s a Sharpie) adds a district line that just happens to encircle demographic goldmines for the Dems. It’s not gerrymandering, it’s… strategic art.
2. Cartographic Clairvoyance:
   • Gaze upon the magical districts that have been foretold by the oracles at the Capitol to turn a lovely shade of blue. It’s almost as if those lines contained predictions of the future. Or just insiders with voter data. Tomato, tomahto.
3. Where’s Waldo: The GOP Edition:
   • The map creators played the best game of “Where’s Waldo?” except Waldo is a Republican voter in a sea of Democrats. Spoiler alert: Waldo doesn’t get found much with these new maps.
4. A Little More Left, Please:
   • In a miraculous display of aiming for the center, the lawmakers somehow managed to veer left. I’m sure it was a totally unintentional drift, like when you doze off at the wheel but wake up just in time to see you’re about to join a parade.
5. Democracy’s Paint-by-Numbers:
   • Ah, democracy, sweet democracy. Instead of “one person, one vote,” our system prefers “one cleverly drawn district, a handful of votes?” Nothing says people’s will like an abstract expressionist piece masquerading as an election map.

The Counter

1. Every Line Draws Itself, Obviously:
   • Just like John Hancock’s signature graced the Declaration of Independence without bias, each district line naturally forms itself without any partisan guidance. It’s geomancy, really.
2. Totally Random Selection:
   • In what can only be considered a cosmic coincidence, the lines just keep falling into patterns that benefit Democrats. Maybe they should play the lottery next?
3. Republican Red Hide-and-Seek Champion:
   • Don’t mind the GOP being tough to spot on the map, they’re just reigning champions of hide-and-seek. They love the challenge, truly.
4. Two Left Feet – A Centrist’s Tale:
   • It’s tough trying to dance down the middle when the record player is stuck on spinning leftward waltzes. But don’t worry, the right beat will come… eventually.
5. One-Person One-Vote, With Asterisks:
   • Democracy is about fair representation—except when it’s not. Asterisks belong in fine print and apparently on election maps, too.

The Hot Take

Now listen, everyone knows if you want to fix what’s broken, you don’t just tape it up and call it art. If you want real democratic chutzpah, you’ve got to get in there with glitter glue and popsicle sticks, folks. We need maps that are more like straight-edge math problems and less like the spirals in a van Gogh sky.

Maybe throw in some nonpartisan commissions for that touch of “fairness,” or better yet, enter those maps in a reality TV contest and let America vote – because nothing says “fixing democracy” like turning it into a game show. Remember, gerrymandering is like a comedian telling the same joke over and over, expecting a different laugh—it’s not the material that’s wrong, it’s the audience that’s too square.

Source: New York lawmakers approve a new congressional map giving Democrats a slight boost