Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
In a stunning revelation that’s as shocking as a cloudy day in Seattle, a CBS News exposé has uncovered that the good folks of Arizona are about as enthusiastic about their 2024 presidential candidates as a vegan at a Texas barbecue. Now, if the Grand Canyon State—which is practically a geological wonder of long-held opinions—can’t pick a champion in this political thunderdome, what hope does the rest of the country have? We’re dealing with a smorgasbord of candidates who seemingly have all the appeal of a dentist’s waiting room.
The Breakdown
- The Palette of Meh
- It seems that the political spectrum has shifted from colorful personalities to fifty shades of beige. Voters are eyeballing the candidate lineup like it’s a row of discounted, expired salad dressings at the supermarket—none of which look appetizing, but hey, it’s all there is.
- It seems that the political spectrum has shifted from colorful personalities to fifty shades of beige. Voters are eyeballing the candidate lineup like it’s a row of discounted, expired salad dressings at the supermarket—none of which look appetizing, but hey, it’s all there is.
- The Charisma Black Hole
- Among the candidates is a man whose charm is so hidden, it might as well be in a witness protection program. If charisma could be converted to energy, this guy couldn’t power a lightbulb long enough to find his own policy papers in a dark room.
- Among the candidates is a man whose charm is so hidden, it might as well be in a witness protection program. If charisma could be converted to energy, this guy couldn’t power a lightbulb long enough to find his own policy papers in a dark room.
- Promises, Promises
- As usual, we’ve got a smattering of promises that range from “I’ll cure all your woes” to “I might remember your name if you donate enough.” Each pledge is about as reliable as a two-dollar umbrella in a hurricane.
- As usual, we’ve got a smattering of promises that range from “I’ll cure all your woes” to “I might remember your name if you donate enough.” Each pledge is about as reliable as a two-dollar umbrella in a hurricane.
- Attack of the Drones
- The campaign ads have hit the airwaves like a swarm of locusts, but instead of devouring crops, they’re just gnawing away at our will to live. Each spot seems to be trying to out-bore the last with a meticulous passion for snooze-worthy details.
- The campaign ads have hit the airwaves like a swarm of locusts, but instead of devouring crops, they’re just gnawing away at our will to live. Each spot seems to be trying to out-bore the last with a meticulous passion for snooze-worthy details.
- The Eternal Debate
- Then there’s the debates. Oh, the debates! They’re about as stimulating as watching paint dry… if the paint were also delivering a lecture on watching paint dry.
- Then there’s the debates. Oh, the debates! They’re about as stimulating as watching paint dry… if the paint were also delivering a lecture on watching paint dry.
The Counter
- Vivid Illusion of Choice
- Sure, there’s a delightful illusion that we have a cornucopia of candidates, but in the end, you might just find yourself voting for the one whose name is easiest to spell.
- Sure, there’s a delightful illusion that we have a cornucopia of candidates, but in the end, you might just find yourself voting for the one whose name is easiest to spell.
- Charisma Overrated
- Who needs a candidate with charisma when we could have one whose personality blends perfectly with the neutral tones of the debate stage backdrop? After all, blending in is the new standing out.
- Who needs a candidate with charisma when we could have one whose personality blends perfectly with the neutral tones of the debate stage backdrop? After all, blending in is the new standing out.
- Promissory Noted
- Maybe it’s a breath of fresh air to have some candidates who can scale back their promises to things they might actually achieve, like successfully using a copy machine or remembering all their social media passwords.
- Maybe it’s a breath of fresh air to have some candidates who can scale back their promises to things they might actually achieve, like successfully using a copy machine or remembering all their social media passwords.
- Droning for Good
- Campaign ads might actually serve a higher purpose. Insomnia is rampant, and nothing says “innovative cure” quite like a monotonous political spiel to put the population to sleep.
- Campaign ads might actually serve a higher purpose. Insomnia is rampant, and nothing says “innovative cure” quite like a monotonous political spiel to put the population to sleep.
- The Excitement of Monotony
- Debates can be repurposed as a new form of meditation. It takes true commitment to the Zen art of stillness to observe politicians exchange scripted barbs with the emotional range of a teaspoon.
- Debates can be repurposed as a new form of meditation. It takes true commitment to the Zen art of stillness to observe politicians exchange scripted barbs with the emotional range of a teaspoon.
The Hot Take
What we’ve got here is a veritable garden of political ennui that needs some serious fertilizing, ideally with fresh ideas rather than the usual… well, you know. Here’s a notion: let’s get candidates that have actual beliefs and aren’t afraid to stand taller than their own campaign signs. How about injecting a dose of radical humanity?
Maybe then we’d rather vote than binge-watch another series on how the world ends. I propose a “Candidate Idol,” where contenders must perform live renditions of their platforms, karaoke style, and if they fail to entertain, it’s a one-way trip to the gong show. Let’s bring politics back to life; it should be more like a rock concert, less like a stale bingo night at the retirement community.
Source: Many Arizona voters dissatisfied with 2024 presidential candidates
