Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
In a move that will have history textbooks pretty darn confused—a modern state has decided to time-travel back to the pre-digital age. It appears Floridian kids will have to discover the world the old-fashioned way: by actually talking to people. Governor Ron DeSantis has just signed a bill that would bar kids under 14 from having social media accounts.
It’s a legislative attempt to save the children from the unfiltered chaos of the internet and to prescribe a nostalgic remedy that feels plucked from a 1950s PSA. The breakdown of the bill, “DeSantis Signs Social Media Bill Barring Accounts for Children Under 14”, feels like it’s flipping through the pages of a Bizarro World civics textbook.
The Breakdown:
- Chasing the Digital Dragon
- Teens can no longer wear the influencer crown or lose themselves in the hashtag haze. Seems like a gateway to digging up the streets for hoop-and-stick games.
- Teens can no longer wear the influencer crown or lose themselves in the hashtag haze. Seems like a gateway to digging up the streets for hoop-and-stick games.
- Carding at the Keyboard
- If your fingers are applying for a social media license, better have ID ready. Not old enough for PG-13 movie? No tweets for you. There’s probably a “Log Off, Johnny” campaign poster in the works.
- If your fingers are applying for a social media license, better have ID ready. Not old enough for PG-13 movie? No tweets for you. There’s probably a “Log Off, Johnny” campaign poster in the works.
- Heard of the Bill of Rights? More Like the Bill of Wrongs
- Free speech, schmee speech—let’s get analog. It’s time to swap your memes for mime performances in the park. Don’t worry, you can still express yourself, just with your inside voice.
- Free speech, schmee speech—let’s get analog. It’s time to swap your memes for mime performances in the park. Don’t worry, you can still express yourself, just with your inside voice.
- Cyberspace, Begone!
- It’s time to slam shut the Pandora’s box of pixels. These kids might just resurrect Blockbuster and make paper maps trendy again. And hey, maybe sextants will see a comeback.
- It’s time to slam shut the Pandora’s box of pixels. These kids might just resurrect Blockbuster and make paper maps trendy again. And hey, maybe sextants will see a comeback.
- Woke up and Chose Monastic Living
- Fortnite, TikTok, even the Instagram foodie scene—put ’em in a museum. This bill is like choosing to crawl when you’ve been running; because why not slow things down?
- Fortnite, TikTok, even the Instagram foodie scene—put ’em in a museum. This bill is like choosing to crawl when you’ve been running; because why not slow things down?
The Counter
- On the Brink of Social Serenity
- With no kids on social media, everyone’s feed is just going to be calming pictures of brunch and aggressive political opinions. Can’t wait for the serene digital utopia, right?
- With no kids on social media, everyone’s feed is just going to be calming pictures of brunch and aggressive political opinions. Can’t wait for the serene digital utopia, right?
- Future Campaign Slogans in Crayon
- Sure, kids won’t be digital savants by 12 anymore, but think of the folk art on the fridge that could inspire Florida’s future campaign ads.
- Sure, kids won’t be digital savants by 12 anymore, but think of the folk art on the fridge that could inspire Florida’s future campaign ads.
- High-School Yearbook: Most Likely to Not Get Catfished
- There’s a silver lining. At least this generation won’t have ’embarrassing social media past’ as a chapter in their autobiographies.
- There’s a silver lining. At least this generation won’t have ’embarrassing social media past’ as a chapter in their autobiographies.
- Let’s Go Fly a Kite—Literally
- With all this offline time, the skies will be filled with kites instead of drones, and we’ll all be experts in wind dynamics, bird identification, and …knot tying?
- With all this offline time, the skies will be filled with kites instead of drones, and we’ll all be experts in wind dynamics, bird identification, and …knot tying?
- The Spelling Bee Just Got Real
- Without autocorrect crutches, kids in Florida are about to shock the world with their spelling prowess, or fill the world with entertainingly spelled protest signs.
- Without autocorrect crutches, kids in Florida are about to shock the world with their spelling prowess, or fill the world with entertainingly spelled protest signs.
The Hot Take
To cool off from this tropical satire, let’s serve up a juicy slice of solution—the liberal lemonade, if you will. First, we recognize that maybe—just maybe—kids need to learn how to navigate the digital landscape rather than putting up ‘No Trespassing’ signs by the age of 14. Education about digital footprints, online safety, and the power of a like button could be something, right?
So, here’s the liberal fix. Let’s spread a buffet of resources to empower the next generation of digital denizens: media literacy courses, and online etiquette seminars served with a side of critical thinking. Let them build treehouses in Minecraft before they have to tackle the craziness of ‘Adulting 101’.
Let’s not kid ourselves—technology and social media are integral aspects of modern life. Maybe we should focus on creating safer online spaces, updated privacy laws, and ensuring that social media giants don’t act like digital overlords. And all this with a scoop of common sense and a dollop of personal responsibility. Now, doesn’t that sound like a refreshing, albeit utopian, smoothie of progress?
Source: DeSantis Signs Social Media Bill Barring Accounts for Children Under 14
