Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
In today’s edition of ‘wait, what now?’, we present to you a segment from the show nobody asked for yet everyone watches when they accidentally sit on the remote. Maria Bartiromo, Fox Business anchor and conspiracy sommelier, has channeled her inner Sherlock to weave a tale connecting the collapse of a bridge in Baltimore to—you guessed it—the ‘wide open border’. Because infrastructure, like comedy, apparently works best when the punchline is unrelated to the setup.
The Breakdown:
- Bridges and Borders: An Engineering Perspective
- Clearly, bridges are sentient and can sense the state of our borders. This one in Baltimore must have been so appalled by the border situation that it threw itself down in agony. If only we had built a wall around the bridge, it could have been saved.
- Clearly, bridges are sentient and can sense the state of our borders. This one in Baltimore must have been so appalled by the border situation that it threw itself down in agony. If only we had built a wall around the bridge, it could have been saved.
- Infrastructure Plans Should Include Wall Blueprints
- Let’s draw a massive blueprint that not only includes infrastructure but also integrates border walls at every corner. Better yet, let’s make them Lego walls—colorful, interchangeable, and a perfect metaphor for our current approach to structural safety and immigration policy.
- Let’s draw a massive blueprint that not only includes infrastructure but also integrates border walls at every corner. Better yet, let’s make them Lego walls—colorful, interchangeable, and a perfect metaphor for our current approach to structural safety and immigration policy.
- A Domino Effect of Geographic Proportions
- Once the Baltimore bridge fell, what’s next? The Golden Gate succumbing to the allure of San Francisco’s sanctuary city status? We’re onto you, bridges. Stop moving those chess pieces around America’s landscapes.
- Once the Baltimore bridge fell, what’s next? The Golden Gate succumbing to the allure of San Francisco’s sanctuary city status? We’re onto you, bridges. Stop moving those chess pieces around America’s landscapes.
- Concrete Conspiracy Dust
- The dust from the bridge collapse must have been magical—filled with insights that could only be seen through the lens of high-definition fear-mongering. It’s not just concrete dust; it’s conspiracy dust.
- The dust from the bridge collapse must have been magical—filled with insights that could only be seen through the lens of high-definition fear-mongering. It’s not just concrete dust; it’s conspiracy dust.
- Outsourcing the Outsourced
- If we’re blaming the border for our infrastructure woes, why stop there? Let’s blame Canada for the Niagara Falls mist dampening our spirits and England for not sending us better comedians.
- If we’re blaming the border for our infrastructure woes, why stop there? Let’s blame Canada for the Niagara Falls mist dampening our spirits and England for not sending us better comedians.
The Counter:
- Let’s Play ‘Spot the Logic’
- It’s a fun game for all ages where you try to find a logical connection between two completely unrelated things. Spoilers: There’s no winners in this game, only baffled spectators.
- It’s a fun game for all ages where you try to find a logical connection between two completely unrelated things. Spoilers: There’s no winners in this game, only baffled spectators.
- Responsibility, Who?
- Infrastructure collapse due to years of neglect? Psh, no way! Why would we look inward and address internal issues when it’s clearly an outside job by those dastardly borders!
- Infrastructure collapse due to years of neglect? Psh, no way! Why would we look inward and address internal issues when it’s clearly an outside job by those dastardly borders!
- The Benefits of Magical Thinking
- If only we believed hard enough, our infrastructure would fix itself. Add some fairy dust, a pinch of xenophobia, and voila, problems solved. Works every time, except for all the times it doesn’t.
- If only we believed hard enough, our infrastructure would fix itself. Add some fairy dust, a pinch of xenophobia, and voila, problems solved. Works every time, except for all the times it doesn’t.
- Magical Mystery Tours of Infrastructure
- Here’s an idea for a theme park: Fox & Friends’ Infrastructure Extravaganza, where the rides all examine the fantastical connection between public works and completely unrelated socio-political issues.
- Here’s an idea for a theme park: Fox & Friends’ Infrastructure Extravaganza, where the rides all examine the fantastical connection between public works and completely unrelated socio-political issues.
- Economic Downfall or Adult Jenga?
- Watching the economy react these days is like watching a game of Jenga—except the blocks are our rights, and the players are pundits who’ve never read the instructions.
- Watching the economy react these days is like watching a game of Jenga—except the blocks are our rights, and the players are pundits who’ve never read the instructions.
The Hot Take:
Let’s play pretend for a moment and imagine a world where we—gasp—actually invest in our infrastructure rather than blaming our woes on a telenovela-worthy villain called ‘The Wide Open Border’. Maybe, just maybe, our bridges wouldn’t be stressed enough to give up on life. Our hot take? Invest in repair crews, not conspiracy theories. It might shock you, but concrete responds better to rebar than rhetoric.
And here’s a novel idea: Let’s treat our infrastructure like we do our favorite coffee shops—give them the attention and maintenance they deserve. Heck, while we’re at it, let’s ensure our workers can afford a cup of Joe by paying them a living wage. I know, I’m just spewing out radical ideas like a broken fire hydrant now.
Here’s the real deal: If you don’t want your bridges to have panic attacks, maintain them. Easy, peasy, lemon squeezy. Maria, next time a bridge falls, let’s blame it on the boogie, the rain, or better yet, let’s just fix it.
Source: Maria Bartiromo Suggests Baltimore Bridge Collapse Due To ‘Wide Open Border’
