Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
In yet another episode of ‘Middle East Melodrama,’ our very own President Biden has burst onto the scene with the enthusiasm of a door-to-door salesman, swearing on his troupe of confidential sources that Arab states are just about ready to wrap Israel in a big, geopolitical bear hug. And not in the previous “bear-hug-into-a-headlock” way. No, apparently, we’re on the brink of a future deal that will presumably solve centuries of conflict over Turkish coffee and PowerPoint presentations. Who knew peace was just a few key slides away?
The Breakdown
- Arab Recognition: A BFF Necklace for Israel?
Cue the flash mob, as Arab nations suddenly synchronize their geopolitical choreography with Israel’s long-standing “notice me, senpai” posture. It’s as if Biden has just revealed the biggest promposal plot twist, and we’re just waiting for the DJ to start playing “Why Can’t We Be Friends?” - The Big ‘Peace Plan’ Reveal
Biden, the prestigious member of International Magicians’ Society, is apparently ready to pull peace out of his top hat like a rabbit in front of a bunch of skeptical children at a birthday party. And we all know kids at parties—they’ll believe anything if cake is involved. Maybe that’s the key ingredient here. - Diplomatic Dance-offs: Who’s Got the Best Moves?
Picture a ‘Step Up’ movie, but instead of chiseled dancers, we’ve got statesmen in suits, each trying to out-diplomacy the other with talk of recognition and normalized relations. If only we could solve border disputes with a popping-and-locking contest. - Behind-the-Scenes Bromance
What if Biden has been secretly hosting reality-TV-style bromance retreats, and we just missed the sign-up email? Is there a spa in Geneva where they all gather, laughing over miscommunications about who annexed what? - The Art of Deal or No Deal
Biden’s inspiration must be from Howie Mandel because the tension in announcing this deal feels just like a game show climax. The question everyone’s holding their breath for: “Will they take the deal or what’s behind door number three?”
The Counter
- No One Puts Baby in a Corner, Except Geopolitics
Sure, Arab states are ready to recognize Israel—but in the same way, you’re ready to start that diet “tomorrow.” It’s all about the follow-through, which, historically speaking, has been about as reliable as a screen door on a submarine. - Big Talk, Low Walk
Across the board, the leaders are full of promising statements. And you can bet they’re taking their sweet time to back it up—perhaps somewhere between a tortoise’s leisurely afternoon stroll and continental drift. - Peace Deals Are the New Avocado Toast
Suddenly, everyone wants a piece of the action. But as with our obsession with mashed green fruit on bread, could this trend quickly lead to people biting off more than they can chew? - ‘Future’ Deal — So, Like, 3024?
The word “future” leaves a lot of wiggle room. Are we talking Star Trek future, where everyone gets along because they’re too busy fighting aliens? Or more of a “five more minutes of sleep” future? - Confetti Cannons Standing By
Announcing peace deals is one thing, but actually signing them brings on the sort of celebration usually reserved for winning the Super Bowl or remembering your anniversary. It’s all fun and games until someone has to clean up the confetti.
The Hot Take
In true liberal fashion, a hands-on approach to this age-old kerfuffle needs more than backroom handshakes and deals sweeter than diet soda. Here’s a scalding hot take: lead with the heart (and maybe some puppy-dog eyes). Begin by creating a multinational peace committee, where every session starts with a trust fall exercise. It’s time to pour the global equivalent of a healing cup of organic, free-trade, and non-GMO tea.
Follow that up with the world’s largest group therapy session. Have each country air out its grievances with a safe word in place—and that word is ‘compromise.’ Wrap things up with some reflective listening techniques that’ve been wildly successful at your local couples’ workshops.
Once everyone’s feeling warm and fuzzy, get them to pinky swear that they’ll stick to the “Peace by 2025” vision boards they’ve all lovingly crafted with pictures of doves and olive branches. And don’t forget the climactic group hug, while a choir of children from every nation sings “Kumbaya.” After all, if we’re going to dream, let’s dream laughably, ludicrously large.
Source: Biden Says Arab States Ready to Recognize Israel in Future Deal
