Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
In what could essentially be the season finale of the most absurd reality show to ever grace our hallowed halls of democracy, we get a parade of presidential pardons that reads more like a “who’s who” of political misfits. This celebration of loyalty could choke a horse on irony. But hold your horses – it’s not just the pardons. It’s the subsequent thanksgiving parade, where the pardoned strut their stuff, loyalty badges shining, as they recommit to the very behaviors that earned them a get-out-of-jail-free card. Yes, it’s true, folks: When gratitude looks a lot like continued allegiance, we’re not just in Kansas anymore; we’re through the looking glass.
The Breakdown
- Hail to the Chief… of Second Chances: Let’s all stand and slow clap for the master of mercy, the redeemer of rogues! Without him, who knows where these poor, misunderstood souls would be.
- We’ve got everything from fib-tellers to campaign cash launderers getting a Monopoly-style pass directly back to the political Boardwalk. I bet they’re relieved that missteps like witness tampering are just minor boo-boos in the grand scheme of their pristine service records.
- We’ve got everything from fib-tellers to campaign cash launderers getting a Monopoly-style pass directly back to the political Boardwalk. I bet they’re relieved that missteps like witness tampering are just minor boo-boos in the grand scheme of their pristine service records.
- Birds of a Feather Flock Together – and then Pardon Each Other: They say you can judge a person by the company they keep. If that’s true, let’s admire the flock soaring on the wings of presidential grace!
- This band of merry fellows makes the Three Musketeers look like they were just involved in a candy bar heist. Not only do they get to wipe their slates clean, but they also come back preaching the golden rule: loyalty above all, especially to the hand that unlocks the prison gate.
- This band of merry fellows makes the Three Musketeers look like they were just involved in a candy bar heist. Not only do they get to wipe their slates clean, but they also come back preaching the golden rule: loyalty above all, especially to the hand that unlocks the prison gate.
- Loyalty Royalty – The New Noble Class: Who needs titles and peerage when you have unwavering fidelity to a leader? It’s the latest trend in political aristocracy.
- Blood may be thicker than water, but loyalty is apparently thicker than legality. Our newly pardoned courtiers are back at the round table, and I bet they’re chomping at the bit to partake in another quest for their liege.
- Blood may be thicker than water, but loyalty is apparently thicker than legality. Our newly pardoned courtiers are back at the round table, and I bet they’re chomping at the bit to partake in another quest for their liege.
- Quid Pro Quo? More Like Quid Pro Status Quo: Keeping the machine well-oiled is a task for the most dedicated. No deed, or misdeed, goes unrewarded.
- I’d give it an eye-roll, but I’m afraid I might pull something. There’s nothing like watching the art of the deal morph into the pardon of the meal—where the main dish is always favor with a side of allegiance.
- I’d give it an eye-roll, but I’m afraid I might pull something. There’s nothing like watching the art of the deal morph into the pardon of the meal—where the main dish is always favor with a side of allegiance.
- A Cabinet of Curiosities: They’ve returned triumphantly to their pedestals, not as cautionary tales, but as beacons of hope for every aspiring political scoundrel.
- Take note, dear friends. Should you ever find yourself in a pickle, a big jar of loyalty will preserve you better than the finest of brines.
- Take note, dear friends. Should you ever find yourself in a pickle, a big jar of loyalty will preserve you better than the finest of brines.
The Counter
- Did Someone Say ‘Meritocracy’? Let’s pretend for a moment that it’s all about what you know, not who you know. Ah, what a quaint notion. Refreshing, like a glass of lemonade at a swamp draining.
- Just Following Orders: Like any good minion, there’s an art to taking one for the team. And when you fall on the sword, you might just get it gold-plated as a parting gift.
- Out of the Frying Pan, and Into the Fire of Redemption: Watch as our favorite band of not-quite-convicts turn over a new leaf that just happens to look suspiciously similar to their old leaves.
- Change Is in the Air – Or Maybe That’s Just the Swamp Gas: We’re promised so much change, you’d think we were stuck at a laundromat. But alas, the change machine seems to be out of order.
- Pardons Are the New Participation Trophies: Remember, kids, in today’s day and age, you don’t have to succeed by the book – just make sure your chapter aligns with someone who’s poised to rewrite the whole story.
The Hot Take
In the grand tradition of political satire where we must laugh to keep from crying, it’s become glaringly apparent that the road to reform is stuffed with more blockages than your Uncle Murray’s arteries at Thanksgiving. So, loyal jesters, what’s the fix? Perhaps a bit more emphasis on accountability and a dash less on the scratch-my-back politics that seem to run thicker than a Thanksgiving gravy.
Of course, it’s hard to teach old dogs new tricks, especially when those canines are busy running the kennel and handing out treats to their favorite pups. I propose a new, more exclusive club, where the cost of membership is integrity, and the secret handshake includes not committing crimes. You think it’ll catch on, or is it too avant-garde?
And for the next election cycle, just remember: vote as if the future of our government’s dignity depends on it. Because, well, doesn’t it?
Source: Four Trump-pardoned allies thank him with action and loyalty
