Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
Well, gather around folks, as we dive into the deep end of campus hysteria! The latest scoop, served hot and crispy by The Nation, describes a delightful trend where campuses across the land have started treating protests like unwelcome in-laws showing up at Thanksgiving.
From solidarity for Gaza to rallies about climate change, it seems administration’s favorite new hobby is cracking down on student activism. And like any good systemic reaction, it ranges from the laughably petty to downright Orwellian. So, buckle up as I take you through this tragicomedy—liberal tears optional.
The Breakdown
- Administrative Paranoia: Loyalty Programs for the 21st Century
- Here comes Big Brother University, rolling out the red carpet for surveillance vans instead of parade floats. Schools are now monitoring protests with the keen interest of a cat watching a laser pointer. Because nothing says ‘higher learning’ like making sure thoughts stay… well, not too high.
- Here comes Big Brother University, rolling out the red carpet for surveillance vans instead of parade floats. Schools are now monitoring protests with the keen interest of a cat watching a laser pointer. Because nothing says ‘higher learning’ like making sure thoughts stay… well, not too high.
- The Art of Funding Dissent: Where’s My Check?
- Disciplinary Dance-off: The Hokey Pokey with a Twist
- Students stepping out of line? Time to dance the disciplinary jig! Forget warnings; the new trend is suspensions, expulsions, and a little black book thicker than your calculus textbook. And you thought your dance moves at the last party were embarrassing.
- Students stepping out of line? Time to dance the disciplinary jig! Forget warnings; the new trend is suspensions, expulsions, and a little black book thicker than your calculus textbook. And you thought your dance moves at the last party were embarrassing.
- The Exclusivity Clause: VIP Tickets to the Freedom of Speech Club
- Not all speech is created equal. Apparently, some words are more equal than others. If your protest isn’t part of the approved script, it might as well be mute. Freedom of speech now comes with an asterisk, terms and conditions applied.
- Not all speech is created equal. Apparently, some words are more equal than others. If your protest isn’t part of the approved script, it might as well be mute. Freedom of speech now comes with an asterisk, terms and conditions applied.
- Media Blackouts: No News Is Good News
- Ah, nothing like a good old-fashioned media blackout to keep things tidy. Colleges are ensuring that protests are as well covered as a nudist in Antarctica. Because if a student protests on campus and no one is around to hear it, did they make a sound?
- Ah, nothing like a good old-fashioned media blackout to keep things tidy. Colleges are ensuring that protests are as well covered as a nudist in Antarctica. Because if a student protests on campus and no one is around to hear it, did they make a sound?
The Counter
- Administrative Paranoia: But Think of the Children!
- Surely, all this surveillance is just to protect the innocent students from, uh, dangerous ideas like equity and justice. Sleep tight, kiddos; Big Admin is watching over you.
- Surely, all this surveillance is just to protect the innocent students from, uh, dangerous ideas like equity and justice. Sleep tight, kiddos; Big Admin is watching over you.
- The Art of Funding Dissent: It’s Just Budgeting, Silly!
- We must understand that universities are just like us during the holiday season—broke and trying desperately not to overspend. So, next time your department loses funding, remember: it’s probably spent on something more essential, like golden parachutes for retiring deans.
- We must understand that universities are just like us during the holiday season—broke and trying desperately not to overspend. So, next time your department loses funding, remember: it’s probably spent on something more essential, like golden parachutes for retiring deans.
- Disciplinary Dance-off: It’s Character Building!
- Nothing builds character like a good, old-fashioned expulsion. Think of it as a crash course in Reality 101. Plus, it’s a great story for the grandkids, right?
- Nothing builds character like a good, old-fashioned expulsion. Think of it as a crash course in Reality 101. Plus, it’s a great story for the grandkids, right?
- The Exclusivity Clause: Special Clubs for Special Words
- Let’s be reasonable; not every word deserves the limelight. Some thoughts are best kept in the shadows, like the last season of your favorite show that went off the rails.
- Let’s be reasonable; not every word deserves the limelight. Some thoughts are best kept in the shadows, like the last season of your favorite show that went off the rails.
- Media Blackouts: We’re All About Privacy
- It’s not censorship, it’s about privacy! Universities are merely protecting the identities of these young, loud protesters from being exploited by the media. Definitely not hiding any dirty laundry.
- It’s not censorship, it’s about privacy! Universities are merely protecting the identities of these young, loud protesters from being exploited by the media. Definitely not hiding any dirty laundry.
The Hot Take
What we need, dear intellectually-starved patriots, is a heaping dose of radical transparency mixed with a sprinkle of rebellion casserole. Let’s transform these institutional halls from echo chambers of compliance into bastions of free thought.
Might I suggest a liberal application of humor-infused protests? Let’s make administrators laugh themselves back to common sense. And for Heaven’s sake, let students speak—even if it means listening to ideas that ruffle your perfectly plumed administrative feathers.
Remember, dear students, it’s all a circus, and you’re either the ringmaster or the clown. Choose wisely.
Source: The Crackdown on Campus Protests Is Happening Everywhere
