Estimated reading time: 3 minutes
So, let’s talk about Suella Braverman’s latest stroke of genius to curb illegal immigration. I mean, why go for something straightforward when you can go for the dramatic, the utterly bizarre, and oh, let’s not forget, the spectacularly futile!
In the vibrant halls of political theater, our beloved Home Secretary seems to have outdone herself, conjuring a plan so fantastical it could only come from a place of sheer, unadulterated panic—or perhaps a late-night binge-watching session of cartoon classics. The idea? Deter small boat crossings with, wait for it, physical obstructions in water. Yes, because history teaches us nothing if not that walls, both concrete and wet, solve everything!
Now, hold on to your seats, folks, because it gets better. The proposed methods include nets. Yes, NETS. Because what’s better at capturing human aspiration than a nice, big piece of woven fiber. It’s like fishing, but you’re not catching fish, you’re catching dreams, people’s dreams!
And if that doesn’t tickle your fancy, how about barges? Not just any barges, but big, intimidating ones that scream ‘turn back, there’s no hope here.’ Picture this: a flotilla of monstrous metal beasts, sprawling across the Channel, as if the Home Office suddenly pivoted to piracy. Arr, mateys, welcome to Britannia!
What strikes me as particularly hilarious is not just the absurdity of the measures themselves. No, it’s the zealous conviction that this will work. Because if there’s one thing more resilient than the British weather, it’s the spirit of those who, despite every odd, still believe that Britain’s chalky cliffs are worth the perilous journey.
Let’s dissect the logic here: so you’re fleeing war, persecution, utter despair. You’ve traversed continents, faced down terrors untold, and just as you’re about to make the final leg of your journey to supposed safety, you see… a net. And you think, oh no, not a net, that’s where I draw the line.
It’s this kind of innovative thinking that really puts Britain on the map. Not the map of global leaders in humane, compassionate governance, mind you, but certainly on the map of medieval siege tactics enthusiasts!
Speaking of maps, has anyone checked where these ideas are coming from? I half expect to find a dusty old tome in the basement of the Home Office, titled something like “Ye Olde Book of Keeping Them Out: Dastardly Deeds and Devices”. Chapter one: Moats. Chapter two: Alligators. Chapter three: Big Scary Nets.
And through all of this, what truly amazes me is the sheer cost of these operations. Because, as everyone knows, the best way to spend taxpayer money during a cost-of-living crisis is on anti-immigrant water features. Why fund the NHS, education, or public services when you can have a politically performative barge party at the taxpayers’ expense?
But let’s be fair, perhaps we’re missing the sheer symbolic power of these measures. Nothing quite says “Global Britain” like militarizing the English Channel. It sends a clear message: we might be an island, but by God, we’re an island with nets!
So, in conclusion, if you ever feel overwhelmed by the state of the world, remember, it could be worse. You could be the person who has to explain to a room full of seasoned civil servants why giant water barricades are the future of immigration policy. Or, worse yet, you could be the person trying to sell the idea of a return policy for broken dreams caught in a net.
Now, isn’t that a comforting thought?
Source: Suella’s preferred method of deterring small boat crossings
