Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
College students demand a lot of things – better food, less homework, more sleep, and now, the latest flavor of the month, divestment from Israel. It’s like the students took a peek at the global crises menu and yelled, I’ll take the geopolitical special, please!
Divestment. It sounds so sophisticated, doesn’t it? Like something that only people wearing monocles at Ivy League libraries discuss over cheese that smells like feet. But here we are, college protests nationwide are demanding their schools dump their investments in Israel faster than a bad Tinder date.
What is this, a garage sale for moral superiority? Everyone’s trying to sell off their ethically dubious holdings for a shiny new set of guilt-free LED morality bulbs. But you know what? The entire concept of divestment as a tool for political change is about as effective as using a spoon to cut through steel. It’s intellectually impossible, people. It makes about as much sense as… well, it doesn’t make any.
Now, I’ll give it to the students, the passion is admirable. There’s something charming about believing you can change the world with a few well-placed placards. But when we dive deep into the meaty stew of divestment, what are we really looking at? It’s not a clear cut path to peace, it’s more like trying to perform surgery with a chainsaw – messy, loud, and you’re more likely to lose a limb.
Colleges are like, “sure, let’s look into our multi-billion dollar investments, managed by people whose job it is to understand this spider web better than Spider-Man, and just, you know, pull out anything that looks iffy! They treat it like picking bad apples from a barrel. Except the apples are interconnected global financial systems and the barrel is on fire.
Let’s not forget, these protests are often based on a simplified view of an incredibly complex issue. It reduces a centuries-old conflict to something I could settle with my left and right socks in a puppet show. Let’s be real, the Middle-East is about as easy to sort out as my grandma’s recipe for meatloaf. It changes every time and someone inevitably ends up crying.
The schools meanwhile placate these demands with committees that investigate the feasibility of divestment. These committees spend months to say diplomatically what could be summed up as, “How about no?” Schools invest to make money, not to make a thesis statement. They’d rather invest in anything that gives a return, and that includes both morally fuzzy initiatives and clearer, cuddly ones.
The whole debate is like a never-ending episode of a sitcom. Each season, students pick a new target, and canvas the same recycled plot in high-definition outrage. We watch, we laugh, maybe cry a little, and then forget all about it when the next episode rolls around. Just classic.
And for those of us watching this circus from the sidelines, it’s popcorn time. Because, despite being as futile as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum, they just keep at it. I guess hope springs eternal, or maybe it’s just spring semester boredom.
At the end of the day, college is a place to learn about the world in all its messy glory. It’s about challenging ideas, debating fiercely, and maybe learning a thing or two about why we can’t solve complex geopolitical issues by just pulling some stocks out of our higher education piggy banks.
So, keep protesting, kids. It’s important to give it a shot, even if you’re shooting with blanks. Because who knows? Maybe one day, that garage sale will really sell something of value. And if not, well, at least you’ve got some fantastic marching skills.
Source: Campus Protesters Are Demanding Colleges Divest From Israel. That Is Intellectually Impossible.
