Wanted: neighbors for a visionary development. Must be nearby enough to make the project an investment in the community, but not nearby enough to have an opinion. Competitive enthusiasm package. Questions will be considered a pre-existing condition.

Imperial residents oppose a proposed datacenter outside city limits; a judge requires environmental review, the Guardian reports.

The advertisement below is parody. Its ideal community has tremendous local pride and no discernible local presence. We are looking for people who can appear in the phrase economic opportunity without subsequently appearing at a meeting.

An Exciting Opportunity To Be Nearby

Successful applicants will understand that a neighborhood is a valuable selling point. It supplies the warmth, humanity and sense of purpose that an otherwise empty rectangle on a map lacks. We would hate to lose that. We would also hate for the rectangle to develop speaking privileges.

Our fictional brochure includes a family strolling along a pleasant street. The family demonstrates that the project will serve real people. Please do not mistake this artistic choice for an invitation to interview them.

Community engagement is extremely important to us. Engagement with the concept of a community has been particularly productive. The concept never asks a follow-up question. It has no bedtime, backyard or inconvenient familiarity with the location under discussion.

Actual neighbors bring an unfortunate level of detail. They know which side of the fence they live on. They can identify their own windows. Some arrive with the radical view that being affected by a decision entitles them to discuss it. Our imaginary sales team had budgeted for optimism, not geography with opinions.

The ideal neighbor will welcome change while remaining completely unchanged by it. Applicants should enjoy the idea of progress from a location that does not complicate the presentation. A distant stock photograph is acceptable; a nearby front door may require further evaluation.

Location, Location, Please Stop Talking About Location

In our fictional site-selection exercise, the boundary line is magnificent. Thin, decisive, no pesky domestic habits. It makes an excellent participant in planning discussions because it cannot tell us what life is like on the other side of itself.

The people living there are less cooperative. We keep trying to describe a site. They keep describing a place. The site has coordinates. The place has inhabitants who remember what was said at the last meeting. This is why the map makes the better business partner.

None of our invented recruiting materials promises an operating facility. This is the proposal stage, when the future can still be drawn in its most flattering proportions. Even the trees in the rendering look delighted to have been consulted by an illustrator.

To apply, please demonstrate a lifelong attachment to the area and a willingness to become irrelevant to decisions about it. We offer the satisfaction of belonging to a community that can be invoked whenever necessary and omitted whenever practical.

The community is our greatest asset. We are currently seeking vacant possession.