Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
So, you thought Dickensian workhouses were a thing of the past? Think again! The House GOP, in a swell of nostalgic fervor, seems to believe that the more things change, the better they should revert to circa 1850. With their new plan that takes a gleeful hatchet to beloved American pastimes such as Social Security, healthcare, and civil rights, it’s like a revival tour for the Gilded Age, with an opener of fiscal irresponsibility and a headliner of systemic inequality.
The Breakdown:
- Trimming the fat, inches, and years off your life:
They say a penny saved is a penny earned. In the case of House GOP’s fresh take on Social Security, a penny saved is also an inch off your waistline, because who doesn’t tighten their belts when there’s nothing to eat? By slicing into Social Security like it’s a prime Christmas ham, we can all look forward to a lean, mean retirement — that is, if the starvation doesn’t get us first. - Pre-existing conditions? More like pre-existing character flaws:
Healthcare is so quaint, isn’t it? Obamacare’s languishing under the GOP’s revolutionary new healthcare initiative: natural selection. By playing wheel-of-misfortune with healthcare resources, House Republicans are poised to turn back time to the good old days when the sniffles could land you a top spot in the obituaries. - Who needs rights when you have ‘right now’?
The new GOP plan doesn’t just chip away at civil rights – it carves out whole chunks. After all, in a world moving at the speed of Twitter, who has time to worry about long-term sustainability of human rights? Let’s live in the ‘right now’, where ‘now’ increasingly feels like a time machine set to the 1950s. - Red, white, and you’re broke:
The stars on the American flag will soon be replaced with dollar signs if the GOP has its way. The ‘land of the free’ morphs into the ‘land of fee’, where the cost of living rises and the ability to pay for it plummets like the stock market after a Presidential tweet. Red, white, and you’re broke, baby! - The best things in life are free (just not for you):
Why should ‘liberty and justice for all’ include everyone? That sounds awfully exhausting. House GOP’s vision efficiently streamlines who gets access to the American Dream, with backstage VIP passes reserved for those who can afford it (and the rest? Well, standing room only).
The Counter:
- Eat the aged? More like beef jerky for the soul:
Who needs retirement savings when you can work until your last breath is an exasperated sigh at your desk? Retirement homes are overrated anyway. It’s all about communal workspaces now! - Survival of the fittest with a side of bankruptcy:
Forget health insurance; what you need is a good pair of running shoes. The next time you feel sick, just run it off. If you collapse, you weren’t fit enough, anyway. Natural selection, baby! - Privacy is so last century:
The only thing better than having rights is watching them get auctioned off. In today’s surveillance economy, your privacy is worth exactly as much as your last tweet or TikTok dance. - The American Dream is now a lease agreement:
Why buy into the whole American Dream when you can just lease it – on a month-to-month contract, termination fees included? Bonus: every late payment adds character. - Equality, schmequality:
Let’s face it, equality was getting tiresome. With the GOP’s plan, we can ditch the façade and settle back into a ‘simpler’ time when everyone knew their rung on the social ladder. Just watch your step – it’s a long way down.
The Hot Take:
Listen up, folks! It’s time for our beloved government to swap the axe for a scalpel and perform some precise surgery on this Frankenstein of a budget they’ve cobbled together. Instead of gutting the essentials faster than a teenager at a pumpkin carving contest, maybe, just maybe, we consider funding these programs with something truly outrageous – like fair taxes on corporations and the uber-wealthy? Groundbreaking, I know.
Instead of sacrificing Grandma on the altar of Wall Street, we take a ‘humane’ approach and ensure she can afford both her medicine and a roof over her head. And while we’re at it, let’s remember that the ‘health’ in healthcare should apply to everyone, not just those with a Platinum-status health plan.
In the words of a true blue American, “Give me liberty, or give me death!” Might I suggest we opt for liberty without the death bit? Let’s budget like our humanity depends on it – because it does.
Source: ‘Work until you drop dead’: House GOP plan takes axe to Social Security, healthcare and civil rights
