Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
In the ever-riveting reality TV show that is American politics, we’ve been graced with yet another episode of “How to Dodge an Issue and Alienate Everybody.” Donald Trump, in a move that has both sides clutching their pearls and their pitchforks, managed to sidestep the federal abortion issue with such deftness that it almost—almost!—made you forget that this isn’t a man known for his grace. It’s like watching a rhinoceros pirouette; you can’t help but applaud the attempt, regardless of the outcome.
The Breakdown
- Not Touching That One With a Ten-Foot Pole
- We’ll take bets now on what Trump would rather do than take a definitive stance on abortion. Wrestle a gator? Sing “I Will Always Love You” in falsetto? Both seem plausible compared to tackling the abortion debate head-on.
- We’ll take bets now on what Trump would rather do than take a definitive stance on abortion. Wrestle a gator? Sing “I Will Always Love You” in falsetto? Both seem plausible compared to tackling the abortion debate head-on.
- The Art of the Dodge
- Who knew that avoidance could be so… presidential? Trump’s sidestep could be his best move yet, and that’s saying something for a man whose entire career is a fancy footwork montage.
- Who knew that avoidance could be so… presidential? Trump’s sidestep could be his best move yet, and that’s saying something for a man whose entire career is a fancy footwork montage.
- A Bipartisan Gasp
- In a spectacular display of unity, everyone is displeased. The right? Outraged. The left? Equally outraged. It’s like the time your divorced parents agreed that your mohawk was a bad idea.
- In a spectacular display of unity, everyone is displeased. The right? Outraged. The left? Equally outraged. It’s like the time your divorced parents agreed that your mohawk was a bad idea.
- A Dicey Issue Served Lukewarm
- Take a dicey issue, put it in the microwave, and hit the ‘Defrost’ button. There, you now have Trump’s approach to federal abortion policy: lukewarm, mostly unsettling, and no one’s really sure what to do with it.
- Take a dicey issue, put it in the microwave, and hit the ‘Defrost’ button. There, you now have Trump’s approach to federal abortion policy: lukewarm, mostly unsettling, and no one’s really sure what to do with it.
- The Ultimate “Would You Rather?”
- Would you rather… take a clear stance on abortion, or set your hand on fire? Tough call. At least one of these options has Trump debating with the same intensity as choosing his favorite KFC bucket.
- Would you rather… take a clear stance on abortion, or set your hand on fire? Tough call. At least one of these options has Trump debating with the same intensity as choosing his favorite KFC bucket.
The Counter
- A Flair for the Undramatic
- In a surprising turn of indifference, Trump’s evasion is almost underwhelming. Made you miss the days of over-the-top Trump tantrums, didn’t it?
- In a surprising turn of indifference, Trump’s evasion is almost underwhelming. Made you miss the days of over-the-top Trump tantrums, didn’t it?
- Language of Ambiguity
- Trump speaks Ambiguity as fluently as the rest of us speak Sarcasm — or English. With a vocabulary that broad, who needs policies?
- Trump speaks Ambiguity as fluently as the rest of us speak Sarcasm — or English. With a vocabulary that broad, who needs policies?
- Shifting Blame is The New Responsibility
- When in doubt, pivot! It’s like Trump’s playing hot potato with the abortion issue, except the potato is a scalding political hand grenade.
- When in doubt, pivot! It’s like Trump’s playing hot potato with the abortion issue, except the potato is a scalding political hand grenade.
- Apathy is the New Empathy
- In an inspiring show of nonchalance, Trump’s stance (or lack thereof) on abortion teaches us that true leadership is asking “Why care too much when you can care… just a smidge?”
- In an inspiring show of nonchalance, Trump’s stance (or lack thereof) on abortion teaches us that true leadership is asking “Why care too much when you can care… just a smidge?”
- A Masterclass in Moderation
- By remaining on the fence, Trump could give Goldilocks a run for her money. Every position is too hot or too cold, but his non-position is just…meh.
- By remaining on the fence, Trump could give Goldilocks a run for her money. Every position is too hot or too cold, but his non-position is just…meh.
The Hot Take
Ladies, gentlemen, and everyone in between: what we’ve witnessed here is not just a sidestep; it’s a moonwalk out of responsibility. And if we want to solve this little dance of evasion that Trump’s got going on, we need to start by addressing the elephant in the room that’s currently doing the Cha-Cha Slide: extremism.
The liberal recipe for fixing the mess? Well, since it appears to be Opposite Day in the land of lawmaking, let’s try a sprinkle of comprehensive education, a dash of self-determination, and a full cup of actual, factual information about women’s health. Stir gently with pragmatic policy-making, top with a pinch of common sense, and serve chilled — because, let’s face it, that room could use a bit of cooling off.
And there you have it, a complete guide to navigating the stormy seas of Trump’s abortion policy stance without ever actually having to talk about abortion policy. Because why address something head-on when you can dance around it like you’re dodging laser beams in a spy movie?
Source: Trump’s federal abortion dodge draws fire from both sides
