Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
Ah, Tennessee, the Volunteer State, where the volunteer spirit now seems to involve packing heat along with your lunch. In a recent whirlwind of wisdom, the GOP-led Tennessee Senate has initiated a heroic journey towards enabling teachers to sport concealed firearms without as much as a courtesy head-up to the bewildered parents. Surely, nothing says a nurturing learning environment like a Glock lying cozily between the crayons and the calculators.
The Breakdown
- Increased Recess Tactical Training
- Advanced Show and Tell
- The age-old question, “What did you bring for show and tell?” suddenly has more gravity when Mr. Smith might be packing a semi-automatic. I can just envision little Jimmy’s excitement at bringing his pet frog to class, only to be upstaged by Mrs. Thornberry’s 9mm.
- The age-old question, “What did you bring for show and tell?” suddenly has more gravity when Mr. Smith might be packing a semi-automatic. I can just envision little Jimmy’s excitement at bringing his pet frog to class, only to be upstaged by Mrs. Thornberry’s 9mm.
- Detention Duty Loadout
- Detention gets an upgrade—no longer will the scariest thing in there be Mrs. Beasley’s stare; now, it’s her stealthy sidearm. Underneath her desk whispers the silent guardian of penmanship and punctuality: the trusty handgun, safely unseen by parents, of course.
- Detention gets an upgrade—no longer will the scariest thing in there be Mrs. Beasley’s stare; now, it’s her stealthy sidearm. Underneath her desk whispers the silent guardian of penmanship and punctuality: the trusty handgun, safely unseen by parents, of course.
- Teacher’s Pet Protocol
- In a tumultuous twist, the title of “teacher’s pet” could take on a whole new meaning. Susie gets an A for her essay, and Mr. Johnson secures his spot as the top marksmanship in the faculty league. Who needs an apple on the desk when you have a holster under it?
- In a tumultuous twist, the title of “teacher’s pet” could take on a whole new meaning. Susie gets an A for her essay, and Mr. Johnson secures his spot as the top marksmanship in the faculty league. Who needs an apple on the desk when you have a holster under it?
- Parent-Teacher Conferences with a Bang
- Parent-teacher conferences will indeed be more dynamic. Topics could include little Timmy’s progress in math and possibly a debate over why the teacher’s preferred caliber isn’t what you’d choose for home defense.
- Parent-teacher conferences will indeed be more dynamic. Topics could include little Timmy’s progress in math and possibly a debate over why the teacher’s preferred caliber isn’t what you’d choose for home defense.
The Counter
- Resolve Disagreements with Rock, Paper, Scissors, and Glock
- We should commend the legislature for finally moving beyond such barbaric dispute resolution methods as dialogue. Now, mediation comes with a holster, though we’re told it’s only a precautionary measure. So civilized.
- We should commend the legislature for finally moving beyond such barbaric dispute resolution methods as dialogue. Now, mediation comes with a holster, though we’re told it’s only a precautionary measure. So civilized.
- Arm Teachers, Because Books Are Overrated
- The movement of transforming educational institutions into wild west saloons is just what our academic system needs. Who needs textbooks and libraries when you can invest in bulletproof whiteboards and mandatory quick-draw classes?
- The movement of transforming educational institutions into wild west saloons is just what our academic system needs. Who needs textbooks and libraries when you can invest in bulletproof whiteboards and mandatory quick-draw classes?
- The Teacher’s Lounge Reloaded
- The teacher’s lounge will need a remodel. A gun rack beside the microwave sounds reasonable, perhaps even a biometric safe by the coffee machine. Just don’t mix up the sugar packets with the ammo.
- The teacher’s lounge will need a remodel. A gun rack beside the microwave sounds reasonable, perhaps even a biometric safe by the coffee machine. Just don’t mix up the sugar packets with the ammo.
- Graduation Caps and Magazines
- Moving forward, graduation ceremonies could be a sight to behold. Tossing caps replaced with securely locking safeties, and diplomas engraved with both academic honors and marksmanship endorsements.
- Moving forward, graduation ceremonies could be a sight to behold. Tossing caps replaced with securely locking safeties, and diplomas engraved with both academic honors and marksmanship endorsements.
- Guns as Educational Tools
- Why bother with pesky educational tools like computers and science labs when you can issue firearms as educational aids? It’s about giving students a well-rounded knowledge, filled with arithmetic, literature, and, of course, gun safety.
- Why bother with pesky educational tools like computers and science labs when you can issue firearms as educational aids? It’s about giving students a well-rounded knowledge, filled with arithmetic, literature, and, of course, gun safety.
The Hot Take
In all seriousness (or as much as I can muster in this ludicrous scenario), if we’re truly interested in problem-solving, might I dare suggest we revisit this shimmering nugget of an idea? Perhaps, investing in our educators with better salaries and resources might outperform strapping them with weaponry. A controversial take, I know—reward those shaping young minds with tools other than the ability to potentially end a life in their classrooms.
The real solution doesn’t lie in the holster; it likely sits on a shelf somewhere, within the policy proposals collecting dust on gun regulation and mental health support. Now, there’s a thought that makes too much sense – which is precisely why it’ll be vehemently avoided in favor of the “more guns, less sense” approach that embodies the sheer heart and soul of rash decision-making.
Source: GOP-led Tennessee Senate advances bill to arm teachers without informing parents
